Posted on 11/13/2020 8:54:25 AM PST by Colonial35
Panks for the thing!
Teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins.
Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”
“That’s right Susie, you can go home.”
Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”
“That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”
“That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”
The teacher turns her back, Johnny yells in frustration, “I wish those dumb bitches
would keep their f*%$#@ mouths shut!”
The teacher turns around and she is livid and yells: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?!”
Johnny replies: “Harvey Weinstein. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
LOL!
I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART. Bob Hope.
This is a tribute to a man who DID make a difference.
ON TURNING 70 I still chase women, but only downhill’
ON TURNING 80 That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.
ON TURNING 90 You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
ON TURNING 100 I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon.
Then it’s time for my nap.
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING I ruined my hands in the ring.
The referee kept stepping on them.
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR Welcome to the Academy Awards, or as it’s called at my home, Passover.
ON GOLF Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.
ON PRESIDENTS I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL I feel very humble, but I think I have the
strength of character to fight it.
ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold,
mother threw on another brother.
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff
the audience threw at me.
ON GOING TO HEAVEN I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter
on a technicality.
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said: Unfortunately, there’s only one space available in Heaven today
so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Stormy took off her top and said: Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God
ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.
Stormy was outraged and asked, What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own
perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got
admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
Sorry, Stormy, said the Angel, but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair,
no matter how big they are.
LOL!
I’ve forwarded that one to other folks!
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took
the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as
a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into
the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk
the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest,
please give us some wisdom before you die.
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,
Don’t sell that cow.
In the 50’s, Seattle was a working man’s town. There were still lots of European immigrants and so, there were shops, bakeries and so forth that catered to them.
Along the water front, which then had many working docks, was a large commercial German bakery, Schmidt’s. Seemingly, everyone in town bought Schmidt’s bread. The Norwegians, Swedes and Finns all loved it as much as the German community! Many said there was just something unique about it that other brands did not have. And many more said it was owing to the head baker, Milton Walker.
Milton used to put the loaves in the ovens then go for a walk and a smoke on the water front, When he got to the same dock, as always, he’d turn around and get back to the bakery, to perfectly baked bread. Every walk was to the same dock without exception.
Milton became a local icon. Tourists were known to go to the waterfront just to see him take his regular walks during the day. Upon his retirement (at age 70), the city officials celebrated his long and iconic career by unveiling a plaque on the dock to where he walked and timed his delicious bread. The mayor, bursting with civic pride, spoke at the ceremony and proclaimed, “From this day onward, let this plaque celebrate the pier than made Milt Walker famous!!”
Lol
Adam, who said to God, "I've got more ribs, do you got more broads?"... and said to George Burns, "Dad, can I have my allowance?"... never got a dinner.
Moses, who said to the Children of Israel, "Wear your galoshes, I never did this trick before... and stop calling me Charlton!"... never got a dinner.
Flash Gordon, who said, "No, that's not how I got my name"... never got a dinner.
Amelia Earhart, who said, "Stop looking for me, see if you can find my luggage"... never got a dinner.
Bluebeard, who said to Scottland Yard, "How do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm not an accountant!"... never got a dinner.
Jack the Ripper's mother, who said, "How come I never see you with the same girl twice?"... never got a dinner.
President Jimmy Carter, who said to Pope John Paul II, "Next time bring the missus"... never got a dinner.
King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, "Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea"... never got a dinner.
Ray Charles, who said to Stevie Wonder, "Maybe we're white"... never got a dinner.
Doctor Spock, who said, "Never raise your hand to your kids, it leaves your groin unprotected"... never got a dinner.
King Soloman, who said to his thousand wives, "Who hasn't got a headache?"... never got a dinner.
The invisible man's wife, who said, "I don't care if it looks silly, don't stop!"... never got a dinner.
Aladdin, who said to his wife, "I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing!"... never got a dinner.
A fella is waking up after his surgery. He is wired up with IV’s, cables, an oxygen mask an he has a cute young nursing student watching over him as he comes around.
He asks her, “Are my testicles black?”
She says, “Sir, I’m just a first year student. I’m not really sure...” He cuts her off and mumbles with greater urgency, “I need to know, Are my testicles black?!”
She decides that if she is going to be a nurse she can handle this question so she lifts up his blanket, reaches in and examines him gently, front, back and both sides then says, “No sir. Your testicles are not black, they seem totally normal.”
He reaches up and slips off his oxygen mask and says, “Thank you, dear, you’re very kind, but I was asking if my test results were back.”
LOL I beleive ya- i wasn’t makin fun- infact, my stomack is FLAT- but sadly the “L” is silent
I once again enjoyed the “Friday Silliness Thread” even though it is Saturday.
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