Posted on 11/06/2020 9:09:53 AM PST by Colonial35
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.
A husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates,
they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
There’s a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing,
moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down.
Husband says: “Looks like he’s still celebrating.”
Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”. “Of course you can come in,
you’re always welcome, Tim. But where is my husband?” “That’s what I’m here to be
telling ya, Brenda. “there was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.”
“Oh, Heavens no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.” “I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I’m sorry.” Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh my dear lord! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee.”
A lighter moment. Enjoy.
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ:
“We will heel you We will save your sole We will even dye for you.”?
AT AN OPTOMETRIST’S OFFICE: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
you’ve come to the right place.” ?
ON A PLUMBER’S TRUCK: “We repair what your husband fixed.” ??
On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”?
On another Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”?
At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.” ?
Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.” ?
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit... Stay...” ?
At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.?
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”?
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”?
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution - this truck is full of Political Promises’.
Almost as good as the Santa’s yumnuts over in Britain. LOL
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’
The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’
She starts up the stairs and pauses ‘Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
knock on wood...’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who’s at the door.’
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have
designed the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look
at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
Subject: The Perfect Man
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi,
and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the
Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone
and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.
But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.
Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake,
and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was
always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
“If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
When you are over sixty, who gives a DARN!
These are hilarious....thanks for posting.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking
with a limp. “What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy. “That little shit, O’Conner,”
says Sean, “he couldn’t do that to you. He must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me
with it.” “ Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have
something in your hand?” “That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a
thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”
A DEA agent, together with an ATF and an FBI agent as part of a task force,
arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska.
The agents tell the rancher, “We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA agent verbally explodes saying, “Mister, we have the authority of the
Federal Government with us.”
Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays
it to the farmer.
“See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land.
No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running for their
lives and close behind is the rancher’s bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at
the top of his lungs.
“Your badges! Show him your badges!”
Eldery couple in bedroom. Wife looking at herself in mirror naked.
“I should throw this mirror out. My hair is gray, some teeth gone,
skin wrinkled, breasts sagging, butt drooping.
It’s too depressing. Is there anything left that’s good about me?”
The husband stares into the mirror for about 30 secs and says,
“Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those
guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re
rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They
lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime!.”
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think
I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
GREAT TRUTHS
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame,
two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
— John Adams
2. If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper
you are misinformed.
— Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But then I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man
standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
—Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
— George Bernard Shaw
6. A politician is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes
to pay off with your money.
— G. Gordon Liddy
7. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey
and car keys to teenage boys.
— P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
8. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up
in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
—Ronald Reagan (1986)
9. I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
— Will Rogers
10. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you
see what it costs when it’s free!
— P. J. O’Rourke
11. No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the
legislature is in session.
— Mark Twain (1866)
12. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. — Anonymous
13. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
— Winston Churchill
14. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that
the taxidermist leaves the skin.
— Mark Twain
15. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress.
— Mark Twain
16. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians
—Edward Langley,
Artist (1928-1995)
17. A government big enough to give you everything you want,
is strong enough to take everything you have.
— Thomas Jefferson
FIVE BEST SENTENCES
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the
wealthy out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for
without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not
first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work,
because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half
gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to
get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!
Can you think of a reason for not sharing this?
Neither could I.
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one
night and, of course his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”
“ Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk. “ Well,” says the cop,
“it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” say’s the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
“that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
Old man working in his garden, young boy walks by carrying chicken wire.
Boy says “I’m going to get some chickens”. Old man shakes his head and says.
“You can’t get chickens with chicken wire”. Hour later, boy comes back with two chickens.
Next day, the boy walks by with a roll of duct tape and says.
“I’m going to get some ducks”. Old man shakes his head and says.
“You can’t get ducks with duct tape”. Hour later, boy comes back with two ducks.
Next day, the boy walks by with some pussy willows. Old man says.
“Hold on I’m coming with you”
Why Italians Can’t be Paramedics ...
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly
Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He tells the operator, “I think Sal is dead!
What should I do?
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,
“Just take it easy and follow my instructions.
First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence.
And then a gun shot is heard.
Vinny’s voice comes back on the line,
“Okay... Now what?”
AS WE GROW OLDER
Some Trivia.....
God’s plan for aging
Most seniors never get enough exercise.
In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful
so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need.
In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things
requiring them to bend, reach stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders
and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom,
thus providing more exercise.
God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will.
It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
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