Posted on 04/17/2020 6:55:15 AM PDT by Colonial35
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............. "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went
out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his
new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day. He got up to
about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman
with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided
he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95
mph, and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, “This is crazy,
I could go to jail for this,” so he pulled over. The patrolman came to
the car and told the man, “It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can
give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go.”
So the man told the officer, “Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman
and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her
back.” The officer looked at the man and said, “Have a nice day.”
Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: Because he had his pecker stuck in a chicken.
Very good; for a second I thought it was the old “3-legged chicken” joke.
Back in the day when Cheney shot that guy in a hunting accident I proposed running two polls, one asking what people though of the VP shooting an elderly man and one asking what they thought of him shooting a trial lawyer.
I’m sorry but there is hardly any peanut butter!
DON’T BLAME ME!!!!
IDIOT!
I changed the damn lightbulb, but the color is different!
JUST SHUTUP!!!
Must’ve been Mr.Garrison.
“I’m sorry but there is hardly any peanut butter!
DON’T BLAME ME!!!!
IDIOT!
I changed the damn lightbulb, but the color is different!
JUST SHUTUP!!! “
I like cheese.
IRISH FATHER
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons,
and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn’t like it so I drank it.
Then I got him a Heineken. He didn’t like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Stella, Sam Adams, Miller Lite, and Corona.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
Two cassette players meet up. One is Japanese, the other is Soviet-made. The Soviet one says:
“Is it true that your owner has bought you a new cassette?”
“Yeah.”
“Can I have a chew?”
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest,
when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
“Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going.
In fact, I don’t even know what I am.” “It’s quite okay,” replied the snake.
“Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth.
Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.”
“Oh, that would be wonderful,” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said,
“Well, you’re covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail.
I’d say that you must be a bunny.”
“Oh, thank you! Thank you,” cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake,
“Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you’ve helped me.”
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I’d say you
must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone in upper
management.”
Forwarded to people I care about...all 3 of them.
Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
A: The chicken was safety-pinned to his lip.
Damn you!
That’s it!!!
I’m feeding the cats.
You can take pills yourself!
Please Pray the Violence ends in Chicago and throughout the world.
Moving to Chicago:
Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago ,when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck,
pale, hands shaking in fear.“What’s the matter, afraid of flying?” Bob asked.
“No, it’s not that. I’ve been transferred to Chicago .The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings,
gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”
Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Chicago all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business,
and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I’ve worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble.”
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death, but if you’ve
lived and worked there all those years and say it’s OK,
I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”
An elderly couple is eating dinner at the house of another elderly couple. After dinner the men are still at the table while the women are in the kitchen cleaning up.
One man turns to the other and says, “That was an excellent meal, but you know, last week we had dinner at a restaurant and it was the best meal I’ve ever had in my life.”
The other man says, “That sounds pretty great. What was the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thinks for a second, looks like he’s about to yell something and then says to the other man, “There’s a flower, when someone loves someone else, he gives them this flower.”
The second man says, “A rose?”
The first man says, “Yeah that’s it! A rose, a rose! HEY ROSE, What was the name of that restaurant we ate at?”
LOL!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.