Posted on 04/03/2020 6:15:42 AM PDT by Colonial35
WE NEED MORE GRANDMOTHERS IN COURT!!! Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer: In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand ... a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said: "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, “ why they don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?”.
“We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth”, she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?”
The old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate around them.”
It pays to be careful around old people.
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds,
then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.”
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”
That was a good one. I’ll be telling it.
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
“I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”
So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.
“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.
“Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Murphy.
LOL...
Thank you all for making my day. I wish I had a joke to add.
Thank you all for making my day. I wish I had a joke to add.
Disaster Scorecard:
— Number of friends/family infected with Covid-19 - ZERO
— Number of friends/family who have appeared on Jerry Springer Show - ONE
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a woman behind him said,
“Hello!” Her face was beaming. But he didn’t recognize her at all.
She read his _expression, assumed she’d made a mistake, and said;
“I’m sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children,” and she left the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself,
“What is the world coming to? She can’t keep track of who fathers her children!”
Then he got a little panicky. He didn’t remember her, but, MAYBE he’d met her during one of the wild parties he used to go to.
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked,
“Are you the girl I met at a party and had sex with on the pool table in front of everyone?”
“No”, she said with a horrified look on her face. “I’m your son’s third grade teacher!”
Oh my!
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