Posted on 10/09/2019 9:05:48 AM PDT by SeekAndFind
In the 1950s, that oft-ridiculed era when women all over the country were purportedly miserable, marriage proposals were so common women had to turn down several potential husbands before deciding on the right one.
That was certainly the case for my mother, who was born in 1930. As a young girl, I found countless love letters from Charlie, George, Frankand others whose names I cant recallthat all contained marriage proposals. They were stored in my mothers memory box, and I would sift through them and marvel at what it was like to have so many men pining for you.
Justice Sandra Day OConnor, also born in 1930, is another example of the times. Prior to becoming engaged to her husband, OConnor turned down several marriage proposals, including, ironically, one from fellow Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist, her then-law school classmate. Dating was pretty innocent in the 50s, OConnors son Jay told NPR.
Innocent, yesand for good reason: dating was serious business. Since marriage was the goal, dating was viewed as a precursor to the rest of peoples lives and thus given the weight it deserves. It was also understood that the more time men and women spent together, or the longer they dated, the more likely the relationship would become physical. That, combined with a lack of reliable birth control, forced couples to keep things light.
Of course much has changed in the last 50 years, the most significant being the combination of birth control and the sexual revolution. It was then that women were encouraged have sex like a man and to put marriage on the back burner while they focus on school and careers instead.
This message was so strong and so pervasive that now women (and by default, men) typically view love and family as secondary to academic and professional success. Over and over, writes Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist who teaches a course at Northwestern University called Marriage 101, my undergraduates tell me they try hard not to fall in love during college, imagining that would mess up their plans.
Besides birth control, womens new priorities are the reason dating in America is dead, and why it was subsequently replaced with the hookup, a vague term that can mean anything from hanging out together to having sex. After all, what other option does a grown woman whos been groomed to be career-focused rather than family-focused have than to be casual with her body and her heart? If her professional life is considered the most important thing in life, theres no reason to date. The whole purpose of dating is to determine whether the other person is a match. Why go through all the rigmarole if marriage isnt on your radar? Might as well hookup until youre ready to settle down.
Indeed, what modern women seem to aim for is sex. They have more difficulty understanding the art of courtship, or how to build a meaningful relationship with a man that may or may not lead to marriage but at very least makes a person feel secure and loved. They just skip to the end and wonder why theyre dissatisfied.
Its time for this madness to endnot because I say so but because young women and men say. According to a study by the American Psychological Association (APA), 63 percent of college-age men and 83 percent of college-age women say they would prefer a traditional relationship to an uncommitted sexual one. Yet thats mostly not how they live.
In light of such huge percentages, the only logical answer is to bring back courtship, or dating with purpose. Why hide that youre looking for love when youre dating? Why pretend you enjoy cycling through relationship after relationship year after year that has no ultimate end goal? Times may have changed, but human nature has not. Almost every person has the desire to love and to be loved.
To that end, here are 8 dating rules for women that lead to a long-term relationship or marriage. I wrote them for women because women are the relationship navigators: they have the power to steer the ship in the direction they want it to go. The trick is to steer the ship well.
Ladies, stop chasing men and being so available to them. Youre killing your chances for a relationship that lasts. Men are hunters: they love to go after whatever it is they want, and they wont value what they havent earned. If you reverse this dynamic and become the hunter, everything else will be thrown off-kilter.
A man may respond to your overtures, but you will never know if hes into you because if he was into you, you wouldnt have had to do the hunting. When a man is interested in you, you will know it. There will be zero confusion on your part. Zero. Nada. None. He will hunt you down. Your job is simply to say yes or no.
There are three reasons a woman shouldnt pay on a date. The first is, as per Rule 1, presumably the guy asked you outnot the other way around. And the person who asks should be the person who pays.
Second, when a man pays hes demonstrating that youre worth spending his hard-earned money on. Dont refuse his overture! Instead, learn to receive with graciousness. Just smile and say thank you. Being able to receive, as opposed to undermining a mans attempt at being chivalrous, is a crucial part of the dating process. Men will take their cues from you.
Third, accepting a mans willingness to pay says a lot about you. It lets him know that you value yourself, that you believe youre worth spending hard-earned money on. And thats a great place to start any relationship.
Offering to pay your half of the date cheapens the experience and makes it feel no different from two friends grabbing a bite. A date is different from hanging out with a friendor at least, its supposed to be. Just because youre capable of paying your way doesnt mean you should. Let him take care of it.
What you do on your own time or with your girlfriends with respect to alcohol is one thing. But getting drunk on a date is the equivalent of shooting yourself in the foot. You might as well have not had the date at all if youre going to be drunk while youre on it.
How much to drink will mean something different for everyone, depending on your weight and tolerance. But a good rule of thumb is to never have more than two drinks. And if were talking stiff martinis, drink it slowly and stop at one. Sex and alcohol are a potent mix. Nothing good can come of it, and a great deal can be lost.
The purpose of a date is to get to know the other person, and you cant do that if youre drunk. I also want you to follow Rule 6, and Rule 6 will likely be broken if you have that third drink. So be smart and stop at drink two.
One of the things thats changed considerably over the years is the way women dress and behave in the company of men. Theres an inherent respect that comes from dressing classy and from maintaining a certain decorum when youre out with a guy. This has unfortunately been lost in an era of anything goes.
What we wear says a lot about what we think of ourselves and how we want others to think of us. We get back what we put out into the world. Ergo, if you dress provocatively, youll attract a man who just wants to get some because thats the vibe he picks up from you. If you dress classy, youll attract a man who wants to get to know you.
Im not suggesting you have to dress like a nun. Its fine to accentuate what youve got; just do it in a classy, rather than in a trashy, fashion.
The way you behave matters, too. If youre giggly and silly, that too is the caliber of man youll attract. If you talk in a more mature or serious manner, youll attract a man of substance. And I assume you want a man of substance.
In other words, dont be the fun, drunk party girl. A man will datehell certainly have sex with!that girl, but he wont marry her. Party girls are the women guys date until they find the one whos marriage material. Be that girl.
I have some news that may come as a shock: men dont really care how smart and successful you are. Its not that men arent interested in what you do for a living (or in what youre studying in school), but they will notice if what you do or what you plan to do has taken over your life. Thats not a selling point for them. So dont talk about how busy you are or about how you travel so much or about how your career is your life and your identity.
For one thing, your career shouldnt be your life and your identity. Moreover, when you go on and on about your career with a man youre dating, all it tells him is that you dont have time for him. Theres something more important in your life, and hell get the leftovers.
Heres something else no one tells you. While you may have a vested interest in a mans career goals, he doesnt feel the same way. Most men are indifferent to a womans professional endeavors because theyre not looking to rely on a wife financially.
While you may not be looking for a husband to depend on, youre still the sex that gets pregnantwhich means at some point youll become vulnerable in a way a man will not, and you will want and need the option to stay home with your babies. And that requires being married to a man whos gainfully employed.
I know its hard to imagine a time when women didnt have sex before marriage, but the fact that women now have sex with men before a relationship has even been established speaks volumes. We swung the pendulum much too far.
Given this new attitude toward sex and relationships, it may sound old-fashioned to suggest you not have sex with a guy until a relationship has been firmly established (which takes months or longer, depending on how often youre seeing one another), but just because somethings unpopular doesnt mean its wrong. I can assure you if the goal is lasting love, having sex with a guy before hes all in will not get you where you want to go.
What makes the message about casual sex, or hooking up, so insidious is that young women are prone to feeling insecure and are thus vulnerable to the idea that sleeping with a guy will make them more attractive. It doesnt. It makes you a cheap lay.
Never plan your time or organize your life around a man when youre in the dating stage. Not only is this unhealthy for you, when you live your own life and do your own thing, the guy you like will be even more interested in you as a result.
Never begrudge a man his space. If he likes to go out with the guys, just say, Thats great! Have fun! Dont ask yourself why he didnt ask you to come along or what it means that he didnt ask you to come along. Do not assume he doesnt like or love you as much as you like or love him.
Dont assume anything. Just give him space and find something else to do with your time.
A great rule of thumb for deciding when its time to jump ship is that if your guy hasnt proposed by the middle of year two, hes probably not going to. (If youre dating in college, this rule wont necessarily apply.) Too many women waste years of their lives hoping they can talk a boyfriend into marriage. Women who master the eight dating rules dont have to talk a man into anythinghell be dying to marry you!
Smart women also pick up on whether a man is marriage material early on, just as men do with women, and they dont stick around if he isnt. Thats an exercise in futility.
Bottom line: If your guy hasnt made any overtures, if you have to wonder what he thinks or, God forbid, have long discussions with him about the worthiness of marriage as an institution, run! Hes not the guy for you.
Dont you want to marry a man who wants you so badly he cant wait to say I do? Wait for that guy.
If you want a slut, then you've got great advice.
“As the old saying goes....why buy the cow when the milks free?”
Another one is “When you by shoes, you try them on first.”
You were the honoree so she did not break Rule #2.
STDs, abortions, etc.
But your parents usually didn’t act on those horny urges. If they had, there wouldn’t have been all that free love in the ‘60s or friends with benefits later.
Unicorn. Another word the left has twisted.
https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Love-Your-Clark-Warren/dp/1561790885
There is a section in that shows you how to eliminate a person as a potential mate in two dates or less; not that you can determine if someone is a soul-mate, but eliminate those who would never be a match.
I dated a VERY successful Mary Kay National Sales Director for about three months. This statement is very true.
bkmk
Don't ask your parents what a "Coney Island Whitefish" is.
Which rule(s) will be the deal breaker to get a 3rd or 4th date?
I've got many neighbors with 14-15-16 yo girls, and let me assure you they are being programmed to follow the steps outlined in the article. There's not a single dad - or mom for that matter - who's advocating their daughters act like tramps. There's another generation right ahead of them, and the women who have gone on to develop professional careers either have steady boyfriends or don't date.
And, it should be noted these behavior norms are occurring in a SoCal beach town, so if there was going to be any adherence to 'fast' lifestyles advocated by intellectuals intent on destroy core cultural values, you'd expect it to be here. Now, it's not to say it doesn't happen, but it's more of a socio-economic factor, not the result of cultural propaganda.
At the end of the day, nature trumps nurture every time. Both males and females are the result of millions of years of trait selection and other evolutionary pressures. You don't have to be a lady genius to figure out how to attract a man - just follow long established, hard wired instincts.
my undergraduates tell me they try hard not to fall in love during college, imagining that would mess up their plans.
Something young people often miss, because of the size of the pool, is the number of people they pass on because there is no meaningful attraction. They are mislead by the RELATIVELY few who really hit them hard. At 14, 18, 22 there seems to be “a lot” of likely candidates but as a percentage of the whole it is really almost nothing. By age 30 the pool is much smaller PLUS everyone in it has been somewhere doing something with someone and THAT can REALLY change them. (Even if they’re still single they’re not who they were years ago...
The socialists of today put me in mind of someone walking into a bar and calling out, " A round of drinks for the house! Who's paying?"
My wife and I have shared our finances equally throughout our marriage. In todays world it's almost impossible to raise a family if you don't. Why is dating different?
I can quickly name off, without really thinking about it too hard, at least 10 young men & women (20-24) who are engaged or married.
These include relatives (cousins, nieces/nephews) and children of friends. In every case it is essentially the first boy/girl friend they've known since HS or met @ college.
In retrospect, it's sort of amazing how deeply instinctive behavior is programmed in the bald ape - or all other animals for that matter. Just yesterday they were (little) kids, then they got their drivers license, then they went off to school, and the next thing you hear is they're engaged.
It happens very fast, since we're all still operating under the traditional 40 year old life span rules. However, it's the outliers, the sad people who historically never got married who drive content sales. Out in the 'normal' real world, people still tend to hook up very young with their first love.
Exactly. Most men will be long gone if you dont put out.”
Dead right. But by the same token I can name 10 girls I knew between 18 and 22 who could have said ‘wait’ and I’d have agreed no questions asked. And I’m NOT talking about goddesses I only knew from afar.
My wife and I did the same thing. There were times when she wasn't working to either to raise our kids (I helped!) or when she was ill. We were a good team and when we finally became empty nesters, she got cancer and died back in June 2017. Cancer sucks! I've since retired and moved out West to Colorado Springs to start a new life. I'm ready now for a relationship with a good woman, but NOT ready to play the dating game. It's been 38 years since I've been a single guy in the dating scene and a lot has changed since then. I'd rather meet someone crossing paths during day to day life. That usually works out well! Wish me luck!
Women need to try it—and find out!
Life is the great teacher.
Some years ago a family friend lost her husband and I told her to go and love some more. She was angry that I would say that. She was still grieving and not ready to envision life ahead. I hope you can find someone in your life to share what lies ahead. I'm sure your first wife would too.
FReegards, FRiend
Ping for later
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