Posted on 06/16/2019 6:59:35 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Why Go to Church?
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church,
to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:
One, you're 59 years old, and two you're the pastor!"
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic.
Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi "You really ought to try it.
I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden!
You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church.
The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row, please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No," he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No," she said "Good," he answered.
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.
Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class. The first student got up in front of the class and said,
"My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary.
I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy.
I am Lutheran and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer,
while a telephone repairman worked nearby "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted.
"The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ." The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "
Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth
Why go to Church?
I think this is fantastic, I just love the
guy’s answer, and the interpretation for the word BIBLE... enjoy and pass it
on.
If you’re spiritually alive, you’re going to
love this!
If you’re spiritually dead, you won’t want
to read it.
If you’re spiritually curious, there is still hope!
A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday.
He wrote: “I’ve gone for 30 years now, and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons, but for the life of me, I can’t remember a single one of them. So, I think I’m wasting my time, the preachers and priests are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all”.
This started a real controversy in the “Letters to the Editor” column.
Much to the delight of the editor, it went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:
“I’ve been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals.
But I do know this: They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today.
Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!”
When you are DOWN to nothing, God is UP to something!
Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible & receives the impossible!
Thank God for our physical and our spiritual nourishment!
IF YOU CANNOT SEE GOD IN ALL, YOU CANNOT SEE GOD AT ALL !
B. I B L.E. simply means: Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth!
When you are about to forward this to others, the devil will discourage you. So go on! Forward this to people who are DEAR to you and TRUST GOD.
All great stuff. Thanks for posting.
As the daughter of a one-time Catholic priest who spent many years outside ANY church until I found a true family of faith in a small Lutheran church, I REALLY love those “smiles”!
And even have a shirt with your last sentence printed on it :)!
Rabbi, Priest, and a Minister were discussing how they determine how much to Tithe after the service collection.
The Priest: I draw a line in the sand, throw money up in the air..what lands on the left of the line is for God, what lands on the right I keep.
The Minister: I draw a circle in chalk on my carpet. I throw the money up in the air and what lands inside the circle is for God and what lands outside the circle I keep.
The Rabbi: I don’t draw no lines or circles. I throw money up in the air, what stays in the air...
Rabbi, Priest and Minister were discussing when life begins.
The Priest: He explained when and why life begins at conception.
The Minister: He explained when and why life begins at birth.
The Rabbi: He explained that when the kids leave home and the dog dies, that’s when life begins.
Thanks. Nice smiles today.
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
That was a funny and sound retort (and enough to start another thread on Catholics vs. evangelicals).
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.
Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran and this is a casserole."
The forth student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mohammad. I'm a Muslim and this is the head of an infidel."
For Sunday school the teacher asked each kid to draw a picture that represented their favorite Christmas song. When she got to Timmy’s picture she said, “This is nice, Timmy. I see here is Mary and Joseph and there is the baby Jesus, but what’s this big smiley blob in the corner?”. “Oh, that’s round John virgin.”, he answered.
One girl drew an airplane with four people in it. Asked the nun, "And who are these people?"
The little girl answered, "That's Mary and Joseph and little baby Jesus."
"And who is that in the front of the plane?"
"Oh, that's Pontius the pilot."
The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the deacons of the church.
“Good morning, Jonathan,” the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan’s hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan’s hand. “What’s this?” the preacher asked.
“Money,” said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, “It’s for you!”
“I don’t want to take your money, Jonathan,” the preacher answered.
“I want you to have it,” said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, “My daddy says you’re the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you.”
Letters to the Pastor
The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world.
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11
Dear Pastor, I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won’t be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don’t think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”
Let me guess: a variation from Prairie Home Companion, and that sleazy leftist, Garrison Keillor?
Jew: Star of David - legitimate artifact of a sort.
Catholic: A Rosary - legitimate artifact of a sort.
Lutheran: A casserole. That’s so funny... not.
I attended a “non-denom” school for six years that was Anabaptist in all but name.
I was one of exactly three Lutherans - and we were the butt of jokes from not only classmates but weekly Chapel guest preachers and speakers.
In the ultra-orthodox environs of my Lutheran childhood, we left the casseroles in the Parish Hall dining area.
It would have been Christian Dogmatics or The Book of Concord or Luther’s Works - or better yet, The Bible.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.