Leaping Lizards

email & Wisegeek ^ | 5/30/2019 | unknown

[sodpoodle]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife

Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth..”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked

“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know.

“Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.”

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor.. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So, Ernie’s just . just . . . excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. ‘”t’s just .that . .I’m picturing you pulling on its . … . its. . . teeny little . . ” She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

[sodpoodle]

And here's a quickie:

Lesley Stahl did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before our involvement in the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.

Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old customs.

Ms. Stahl approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Stahl straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines.”

No matter what language you speak or where you go the moral of the story is:

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A REALLY SMART WOMAN.

[QBFimi]

(-:

[rlmorel]

LOL, I saw a sign in a store over the weekend that said:

Behind every man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.

[rlmorel]

I have always found this aspect of pets and kids kind of funny...

There was a Steven Spielberg movie some years back that wan't all that great, but it had a scene in it that I really liked and it stuck with me for years. I know he is a liberal weenie, and he uses a lot of formulaic hooks to get his watchers, but he has a knack for capturing kid experiences in his films.

In this one, a young girl has a pet canary that she is completely into (she wanted the canary more than anything) and the canary is found dead in the cage. The loss would be devastating to the little girl who is obviously not emotionally prepared for death, so he mother is going to flush the canary and swap in a new one from the pet store.

What I love is the camera work: The toilet bowl is shown, and the dead bird is lowered head first into the frame of view held by two adult fingers, descending slowly towards the inevitable flush into eternity.

As the camera slowly pans, you see the open mouthed girl who had come home early from school standing in the doorway open mouthed as shown below!

The scene immediately cuts to the entire family including the dog, complete with kneeled prayers, clasped hands, and bowed heads, with a little grave mound and cross marker!

Heh, as soon as they cross themselves, say "Amen" and stand solemnly up, the little girl looks up at her mom with a big smile and says "Can we get a goldfish???"

And even though the focus is on the little girl's face, in the background, you can see the Golden Retriever furiously excavating the newly dug grave in search of a snack!

I loved it...I thought it was a brilliantly done scene!

[Paleo Pete]

The last line pegged exactly what I was thinking through the whole story...

Umm wait a minute...

Lizards lay eggs...

[sodpoodle]

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.

This “TRUE” interview went as follows:

The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t YOU get mad?”

THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED

[sodpoodle]

Post #6

[rlmorel]

hahahahahahahahahahaha! Love it!