It often doesn’t go well when your kids find out - that is why a lot of unwed mothers “live with it”, keep it a secret, and don’t tell (hubby/kids). Often, they are not agreeable to having the intrusion/upset in their lives of the child given up for adoption making an appearance (phone call, letter, in person) one day.
This is why I remarked that the situation I described ended up a very happy reunion. The mother had been haunted for years about the little girl she gave up hours after birth & had searched for her - wrote a letter to her every year on her birthday, sent to the unwed mother’s home (they did not pass them on to the adopting parents). Her kids did know there was a child outside of marriage prior to their father. They have been very kind and welcoming, which was quite a blessing because it easily could have been the opposite. Each circumstance is unique.
I’m one of those surprises. I was adopted at birth. I always wanted to search for my biological parents. California is a closed records state, so I felt it would be an impossible task. I contacted a search service, they wanted a lot of money.
Enter the internet and consumer based DNA testing. I decided, for personal reasons, I needed to do this to resolve some of my issues.
Both of my parents had told there subsequent children there was a sibling out there, although my mother’s memory was clouded by the trauma and the drugs used on the women giving birth in maternity homes. Both sides have accepted me, I’ve met both of my parents and my half siblings.
It’s important to remember that the women who gave up their babies back then were shamed and not given any options for raising their child. In my own situation, my father wanted to marry, my grandmother would not allow it. She put my mother in a maternity home and it was made clear she was to sign away her rights. My father said he explored avenues to try and keep me, but unmarried fathers back then had no rights. A good resource is the book The Girls Who Went Away. It’s women telling their own stories, and how being forced into adoption jacked up their lives.
DNA testing has let the genie out of the bottle, there is no way back. It’s possible today, if you gave up a child, and your family has been in this country for at least 100 years, if that child, now an adult, wants to find you, they can. It’s best to tell your spouse and children yourself. If you’re a man, and unless you were a virgin when you married and never ever cheated, it’s possible that you may have a child out there.
I know a lot of reunions don’t work out. Mine is shaky. For many adoptees the prospect of rejection is terrifying. It cuts to the core. It’s the reason many adoptees don’t search. Those of us who do just want to be acknowledged. We don’t want any inheritance, we just want our family history, medical issues, how we came about, and to hear the sound of your voice.
I didn’t mean to write such a screed, but it all needed to be said