Posted on 06/13/2018 2:43:24 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Men vs. Women...
Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?” The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”
****** A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’" Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
****** Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?" Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."
****** Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough !
******
For MEN.....and WOMEN with a bit of humour ?? A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.
****** There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened!
****** Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
******
Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"
******
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?
******
When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
******
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?" The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!
HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ______________________________ __
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die... _____________________________
...AND MORE
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. _
Thanks for the giggles on this Wednesday morning!
The blonde student was complaining to her friend, “ In my math class, yesterday, we had a test on Roman Numerals and I got all the questions right.”
Her friend said, “So what’s the problem?”
Blonde said, “I got a C on the test!”
LOL!!!!! you had me digging back 60 years for that;)
In Roman numerals, “C” stands for the number 100. This is based on the Latin word “centrum,” which means “100.”.
Yes, I heard a variation of it on the radio, yesterday. I thought it was stupidly funny.
Really Powerful stories, to be so short.
These twelve short stories are all very good stories and make us think twice about the daily happenings in our lives as we deal with others!!
1. Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research paper I’m working on for my Psychology class. When I asked her to define success in her own words, she said;
“Success is when you look back at your life and the memories make you smile.”
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2. Today, I asked my mentor - a very successful business man in his 70s what his top 3 tips are for success. He smiled and said;
“Read something no one else is reading, think something no one else is thinking, and do something no one else is doing.”
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3. Today, after my 72-hour shift at the fire station, a woman ran up to me at the grocery store and gave me a hug. When I tensed up, she realized I didn’t recognize her. She let go with tears of joy in her eyes and the most sincere smile and said;
“On 9-11-2001, you carried me out of the World Trade Center.”
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4. Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the side of the road holding him and crying. And just before he died;
he licked the tears off my face.
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5. Today at 7AM, I woke up feeling ill, but decided I needed the money, so I went into work. At 3PM I got laid off. On my drive home I got a flat tire. When I went into the trunk for the spare, it was flat too.
A man in a BMW pulled over, gave me a ride, we chatted, and then he offered me a job.
I start tomorrow.
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6. Today, as my father, three brothers, and two sisters stood around my mother’s hospital bed, my mother uttered her last coherent words before she died.
She simply said, “I feel so loved right now. We should have gotten together like this more often.”
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7. Today, I kissed my dad on the forehead as he passed away in a small hospital bed. About 5 seconds after he passed,
I realized it was the first time I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy.
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8. Today, in the cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me to start recycling. I chuckled and asked, “Why?” She replied, “So you can help me save the planet.” I chuckled again and asked, “And why do you want to save the planet?”
Because that’s where I keep all my stuff,” she said.
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9. Today, when I witnessed a 27-year-old breast cancer patient laughing hysterically at her 2-year-old daughter’s antics, I suddenly realized that,
I need to stop complaining about my life and start celebrating it again.
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10. Today, a boy in a wheelchair saw me desperately struggling on crutches with my broken leg and offered to carry my backpack and books for me. He helped me all the way across campus to my class and as he was leaving he said,
“I hope you feel better soon.”
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11. Today, I was feeling down because the results of a biopsy came back malignant. When I got home, I opened an e-mail that said, “Thinking of you today. If you need me, I’m a phone call away.”
It was from a high school friend I hadn’t seen in 10 years.
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12. Today, I was traveling in Kenya and I met a refugee from Zimbabwe. He said he hadn’t eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny and unhealthy. Then my friend offered him the rest of the sandwich he was eating.
The first thing the man said was, “We can share it.”
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The best sermons are lived, not preached.
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Lie Detecting Robot
A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper.
“Where were you last night?”
“I was at the library.”
The robot slaps the son.
“Okay, I was at a friend’s house.”
“Doing what?” asks the father.
“Watching ‘Toy Story’.”
The robot slaps the son.
“Okay, it was porn!” cries the son.
The father yells, “What? When I was your age, I didn’t know what porn was!”
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son!”
The robot slaps the mother.
Very good;)
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