Wrong franchise.
Posted on 12/22/2017 8:50:01 PM PST by nickcarraway
Thought it was all about lightsabers and the Force? Nah, think again... it's all about plant-based living
There are a few reasons why The Last Jedi is the best of the Disney-made Star Wars films.
Despite a lukewarm reception from fans so far, after being lauded by the critics, I think it’s what’s called a “grower”.
I loved it from the off. Not only for its gender balance, leftist messages – alongside the usual good-versus-evil trope, a staple Star Wars motif – and edge-of-the-seat galactic dogfights, but because there are also some pretty obvious anti-cruelty messages which prove, ultimately, that this film is really a love letter to veganism.
(Warning: there now follow some minor spoilers, not major ones, just stuff about porgs and glass foxes – but if you’ve not seen TLJ yet, you might as well look away now.)
The bit with Chewy and the puffins
OK, they’re not puffins. They’re more like hamster puffins.
And actually, they’re called porgs and they’re the latest cutesy doll-type creatures destined to keep the Star Wars franchise in rude financial health until the release of the Han Solo movie, thanks to millions of porg stuffed toys definitely turning up in our stocking this Christmas.
The scene is set when everyone’s favourite wookiee, Chewbacca, sits down for his meal, a barbecued porg, as he patiently waits for Rey and Luke Skywalker to do their thing on Ahch-To (bless you).
The island retreat on the ocean planet Ahch-To (Gesundheit) where reclusive old jedi Luke lives, is overrun by a colony of fluffy porgs flying about the place and making everyone go “aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh”.
It would be remiss of any self-respecting wookiee to spurn the opportunity to gorge on such a bounty of protein.
As Chewie sits down to a butchered and roasted porg, he is surrounded by dozens of sad living ones.
Pierced by sad porg eyes, mourning the loss of their friend, Chewie decides he can’t devour his tea, so sets aside the glistening carcass and sits staring into his bonfire beneath the Millennium Falcon, wondering what the hell he can eat that’s not porg.
Welcome to veganism, Chewie!
The bit where Luke milks a dinosaur
Among the many weird moments in this instalment is Luke going up to a strange animal which is leaning against the rocks baring its mammary glands.
It’s like a dinosaur but it’s not quite one. And it’s probably the size of a bear. It also seems quite docile.
I can’t explain it any more clearly than that.
These things have clearly provided Luke with sustenance (blue milk – yay!) and he casually milks one before thirstily swigging some of that freshly squeezed liquid, while Rey chases him round his island.
Her sense of abhorrence at this arrogant old man draining the udder of an innocent creature and drinking its warm secretion is clear.
The bit with the racing horse-type things
The sub-plot of Finn and Rose going off to a Las Vegas-style city where arms dealers gamble in casinos and on fathier racing has infuriated many (OK, we get it, Star Wars nerds aren’t happy about TLJ).
But, again, I quite liked it – and for a great many reasons.
Most relevant here because of the animals rights message.
The fathiers, graceful mammalian horse creatures, are raced around a track to a baying crowd and cooped up in cell-like stables when they’re not needed.
They cut sad figures – but relish the freedom afforded to them by the two Rebel heroes.
In reality, human beings are more than happy to incarcerate animals for all kinds of entertainment and forget about the impact of that on those creatures.
The bit with the crystal foxes
As if to really prove how harmonious the Rebel is with the galaxy and all its living creatures, the film’s climax comes with another new animal: a pack of vulptices.
These canines, with shimmering crystal fur, dwell on the salt planet Crait, which the remaining Rebels have been cornered on by their enemy, and seem plugged into the chase-fatigue of General Leia Organa, Poe Dameron et al.
Instead of blasting them away or piercing them with lightsabers, the Rebels simply accept their presence and use them for their benefit.
After all, these bright creatures prove to be of use in the never-ending battle with the First Order.
No jodhpurs, hunting horns, or packs of vulptice-thirsty quartz hounds on Crait.
You're right. You can do whatever you want with the ground Jar Jar but the rubbery parts will have to be braised. Maybe just throw it in a crock pot?
Wrong franchise.
Chewbacca later brought a Porg with him in the Millennium Falcon. I suspect it was going to be a snack.
Maybe the start of the next Star Wars will be like that new season of Dallas when we find out the entire last season was a bad dream (and a waste of the viewers time) and Patrick Ewing is taking a shower.
They should rename it: Starwars, the attack of the soyboys.
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