Is Kris Kristofferson's wedding-planning dog drama already the worst movie of 2018?

Best Friend From Heaven sees Kristofferson voice a dead pooch sent back to earth to arrange his owner’s nuptials. It’s a new low for the ‘talking animals’ genre

You would think that, by now, people would have stopped making films about talking animals. You would think that, after witnessing the monstrosities that were Andy the Talking Hedgehog, A Talking Cat!?! and Kevin Spacey’s Nine Lives, producers would run a giddy mile from such a flat-out dismal genre.

Not only is there a new contender in town, but it might be the most inexplicable of them all. The film in question is Best Friend from Heaven and ... look, perhaps it’s better if we go through its trailer scene by scene.

1 Meet Gabe. He’s an adorable dog with a kind face. Better yet, his wonderful owner is about to get married. Honestly, it just feels as if nothing could ever possibly go wrong. Oh, no, wait. This film is called Best Friend from Heaven, isn’t it? Right, scrap all that. Someone is about to die.

2 Fortunately, it’s Gabe. We don’t see Gabe being hit by a car as he chases a squirrel into the middle of a busy road, but the look of abject horror on his owner’s face – combined with a sound effect so startlingly graphic that it’s bound to stop your children from sleeping for several weeks – suggests that this is what has happened. Really, it’s for the best. Would you want to see a film about a dog pining away to nothing because his owner was killed and his heart is broken? No, of course you wouldn’t. It’s much better if the dog dies.

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of some rough looking sheds: “Talking Dog For Sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking bulldog tied to a tree, snoozing.
He takes the plunge. “You really talk?” he asks.
The dog rouses. “Yep,” the dog replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”
The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??”
“Because he’s a damn liar. He never did any of that crap.”

We should just number these jokes, like the one about the prison inmates shouting out numbers in the cafeteria.

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