The Stand
"I'm sorry.....
Whut?"
Posted on 03/26/2017 8:14:16 PM PDT by honurider
Hello, I like to write and I have recently began to do these short-short story contests (usually the ones at 500 words and at 1,000 words) The following one is too long for one and too short for other, but it feels correct where it is and is based on a young man in Hawaii I knew, I could not change it.
Anyway, any comments will be appreciated.
Stand
The young veteran was in uniform today. It was a marine uniform, with sergeant’s chevrons on the sleeve. With the shiny black shoes and the dazzlingly white gloves; most people would have never guessed of the prosthetic leg, and the prosthetic arm. The face they did see, the face with many scares and a missing eye. The young man obviously received the brunt of the blast on his one side. He still walked proud; he was satisfied to be alive. Recently that had not been so. It would have been all too easy to have ‘punched’ out. He had a daughter now and a new understanding of hope.
He was walking away from the gymnasium, where he had just given a motivational speech to a class of 10th graders. He felt very good about the speech and the reception he received from the teenagers. He really was not that much older than the students and it was not that long ago he was going to this very school.
As he rounded a corner to his left and saw the main portals to the building in front of him, he glanced to his right. What he saw, froze him mid-step. At first his blood boiled and he was ready to tear heads, and then it was gone, replaced by a renewed sense of loss and hopelessness.
He walked through the door to the classroom at his right and stood at attention. Two students had the American Flag on the ground and are dancing on it; they do not immediately notice his presence. He simply stood at attention and a tear began to well up in his remaining eye. The re-lived pains in his missing appendages as ‘ghost feelings’ came back five-fold. But, He stood.
Soon after all the other students had become quiet, the two dancing on the flag came to a stop and noticed the young military man in the room. Acting somewhat embarrassed, although it was probably exaggerated, the two immediately jumped off the flag.
The young marine walked over to the flag, which was when it became obvious to the class he was missing limbs, he had to kneel down on his good knee to pick up the flag. He brushed the dust gently from the flag and smoothed its wrinkles. As he prepared the symbol for folding a large boy, wearing a Boy Scouts of America uniform, came to his aide and took one end of the flag and at attention, he stood. This American with African ancestry stood there while a young marine folded the flag.
As the young man folded, he spoke.
“I stood at my post, in a country where hate abounds. I stood and defended a class not any different from this one when the Taliban wanted to come in and kill them all, just as they would you. When I slid into the grenade intended for the students, I stood. For the likes of you, for that breath of air you just took. In a class room, the likes of which most of the youth in this world will never get to see. For the right you expressed today, to dance on a simple symbol of liberty. For your freedom, men and women like me, must stand.”
That first paragraph should have been two...
Nice story... you can shorten it a bit. Do not rely on passive words...
Title it. Stand
A play on standing on his prosthetics and standing up for....
In the first sentence lose today... there are others...
Thanks for sharing
T
President of the writers bloc, Salisbury Maryland
That was a very nice story, but it was also very predictable.
I noticed you did not allow the reader to enter inside anyone else’s mind, and see from their perspective, albeit briefly.
Was there an adult present watching this desecration passively from their messy desk?
Good for you, though that you write vs “planning on it someday”.
Need a comma between folding and a large boy.
Check your tenses throughout. You tend to switch them within single sentences.
A good investment, although pricey, is AutoCrit, an editing program. It will flag your use of junk words (just; very) and prompt you to tighten your writing. Take a look at it and flag it in Google Alerts. You will get emails and some of them might be promotional offers.
Try rewriting from 1st person. This allows the reader to enter the mind of the protagonist.
If you use a term like punch out, don’t put it in quotes. A military man would think in military terms, including slang.
“He walked through the door to the classroom at his right and stood at attention. Two students had the American Flag on the ground and are dancing on it; they do not immediately notice his presence. He simply stood at attention and a tear began to well up in his remaining eye. The re-lived pains in his missing appendages as ‘ghost feelings’ came back five-fold. But, He stood.”
You switch from past tense to present and back to past.
There are issues with semicolons and commas.
Stand
The young veteran stood in uniform; royal blue, with crimson sergeant’s chevrons on the sleeve. The shiny black shoes and dazzlingly white gloves, hid the prosthetic leg, and the prosthetic arm, but the scars on the face, and the unmoving glass eye, put forth the only evidence that something was out of place.
Many nights alone brought pain. Reminders of comrades lost. Drinking binges and self-pity moved him more than once to end his sufferings. But still he walks proud; standing tall on artificial limbs, for his buddies who never made it home, his daughter, just three years old, and for himself, the proud marine visiting his almamater and a senior class assembly of those only a few years younger than he.
Walking from the gymnasium, where he had just given a motivational speech, he felt very good and the reception he received from the teenagers, made the phantom pain in his missing limbs fade.
Rewrite with a look to make the story more active... good luck!
As he rounded a corner to his left and saw the main portals to the building in front of him, he glanced to his right. What he saw, froze him mid-step. At first his blood boiled and he was ready to tear heads, and then it was gone, replaced by a renewed sense of loss and hopelessness.
He walked through the door to the classroom at his right and stood at attention. Two students had the American Flag on the ground and are dancing on it; they do not immediately notice his presence. He simply stood at attention and a tear began to well up in his remaining eye. The re-lived pains in his missing appendages as ‘ghost feelings’ came back five-fold. But, He stood.
Soon after all the other students had become quiet, the two dancing on the flag came to a stop and noticed the young military man in the room. Acting somewhat embarrassed, although it was probably exaggerated, the two immediately jumped off the flag.
The young marine walked over to the flag, which was when it became obvious to the class he was missing limbs, he had to kneel down on his good knee to pick up the flag. He brushed the dust gently from the flag and smoothed its wrinkles. As he prepared the symbol for folding a large boy, wearing a Boy Scouts of America uniform, came to his aide and took one end of the flag and at attention, he stood. This American with African ancestry stood there while a young marine folded the flag.
As the young man folded, he spoke.
“I stood at my post, in a country where hate abounds. I stood and defended a class not any different from this one when the Taliban wanted to come in and kill them all, just as they would you. When I slid into the grenade intended for the students, I stood. For the likes of you, for that breath of air you just took. In a class room, the likes of which most of the youth in this world will never get to see. For the right you expressed today, to dance on a simple symbol of liberty. For your freedom, men and women like me, must stand.”
TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Click to Add Topic
KEYWORDS: Click to Add Keyword
Great story! Several punctuation and other grammar errors (OK for posting on FR but never acceptable in published writing).
You might want to read a grammar refresher.
Also I like how you didn’t clutter the story with filler. I hate filler!
Write more! You possess talent! :)
Great story. Thanks for posting....
The greatest satisfaction is when you hold the first copy of your first book in your hand.
It’s a feeling like no other.
Honor’s definition is murky. To honor someone is to find their best quality and use it to solve a problem in the story. Is your friend loyal, funny, charitable, witty, etc.?
“Show, don’t tell” is the ultimate tool in an author’s toolbox in regards to description. Showing contrast is better than a laundry list especially in short fiction. Using all five senses to answer who/what/where/when/how/why rather than backstory is a great way to grab and hold someone’s attention.
For example, “Chipped red paint scraped against his palm when he grasped the door knob” is more descriptive and active than “He walked to the red door and opened it.”
Dialogue interaction between two characters gives the author another tool to show emotion through action/reaction pairings. In a contemporary story, dialogue should use natural vocabulary you’d hear between two people on a grocery line.
Getting your first royalty check is even better. :)
Thank you. Very sincerely, the fact that anyone commented is refreshing about humanity, and enjoyable.
I agree, I have many flaws.
I write a lot and have written for years. Please note writing in a sense is therapy for me, but very few people read my stuff. This is do to mostly aziness on my part, but also, in large way, everything I write is ‘mine’ and is has a diary/journal feel to it for me, even though I know is not. Reading is my most favorite activity, followed by writing.
I got into facebook, twitter, and writing contests for fun.
I am boycotting face-book. I do not like them, enough said.
IMHO Zuckerburg is vastly over-rated.
Twitter is simple fun to see what you can do with 140 characters.
The writing contests obviously take more thought, but I like the ‘short’ ones, because again it is like trying to pack ‘valuable stuff’ in a small area.
In defense of accepted writing methods and techniques, they are important and should never be forgotten. And I really do
appreciate the comments. As I get older and use computer and the Web, I find myself forgetting and/or allowing bad habits to creep in. On that note, I cannot say how many times I have read my older stuff, and find where ‘may’ is there in place of ‘my’ and many other dumb things like that.
The minds sees what it sees and not what the computer sees,
wysiwyg, I guess I don’t see so well.
However, I feel today’s atmosphere of ‘short’ posts; (face book), blogging, and twitter have allowed for experimentation in the way we say things, however this has hidden dangers of which to me sophistry is the worst.
Oh man, even this thank you turned into a ramble......
Plus I am obviously a lousy typist,
I want to thank every one of you, the fact you responded, alone was significant to me, again than you.
(I also wrote a general thank you)
I want to thank every one of you, the fact you responded, alone was significant to me, again thank you.
(I also wrote a general thank you)
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.