2? That’s silly
IN!!
With the Luck o’ the Irish, I’m here!!!
One of my Dad’s favorites
A man is fast asleep when the doorbell rings at 2am. His wife shakes him awake and tells him someone’s at the door.
He goes to the door as the ringing persists and opens it to find a small gentleman leaning against the door jam, reeking of whiskey, and barely awake.
“What do you want?” he asks the stranger.
“I need a push.”
“Go sleep it off, you drunk”, and closes the door.
The doorbell rings immediately and he opens it again.
“I just need a push.”
“No. Go sleep it off or I’ll call a cop.”
He slams the door and hears the door bell again as he heads down the call.
He hears the drunk shouting “I only need a push to get started!”
As he gets in bed his wife asks, “Who was it>”
“Some drunk wants help.”
“Well, remember that time our car broke down and we had to wake some farmer to help us? Be like him and go help the man.”
SO the guy grumbles, dresses quickly and heads down the hall and out the door.
He walks to the road and looks up and down, no one there.
“Where are you?” he shouts.
And a reply comes from the side of the house...
“Back here... on you swing!”
An hour later, the man has finished the three pints and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Pints.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three pints?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two pints whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Pints became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, on St. Patrick's day, the man comes in and orders only two pints. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two pints. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two pints and all.
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, me, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
Irishman walks into a bar, orders a round for everyone, including the bartender. Turns out, he can’t pay, so the bartender roughs him up and throws him outside.
Week later, same thing - round of drinks for everyone, and one for the bartender. Sure enough, he can’t pay, so the bartender roughs him up and throws him outside.
Next week, he comes in and says “A round for everyone, but not one drop for the bartender. He gets awful mean when he drinks.
An Irishman walks into a bar .... (stop me if you’ve heard this one before)....
Happy Friday!
As a former business traveler, I got tired of eating on the road, too often in over priced hotel and stuffy restaurants. So after some time, I figured why not ask the doorman for a good local pub that served food?
On my first trip to Dublin, I did just that, The bar I went to was still relatively empty that early evening. Just me, the bartender and two guys sitting down at the end. As I was talking to the bartender, I couldn’t help but overhear the two down at the end.
Irishman 1 - So where you from, boyo?
Irishman 2 - Dublin and how ‘bout you?
I1 - Dublin! How about that! I’m from Dublin too!!! And what parish, if I might ask?
I2 - St Mike’s of course!
I1 - St Mikes????!! Bejesus, that’s me parish too! Did you happen to have Sister Mary Margaret in school?
I2 - Boyo! She was as tough as nails she was!...
As the two talked more, the conversation got more and more excited as they had so much in common, their voices raised and were laughing near hysterically by this point.
I asked the bartender - “Say? What’s with those two?”
He replied , “Them? Oh it’s the Flanagan Twins....Drunk again
h/t Geri
An engineer dies... and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls and asks Satan, "How's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!"
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
h/t NOBO2012
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches. And she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband interrupted and said, "Your Honor, may I say something?"
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
THIS WAS AN OLD ONE.
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job eight years ago, he hasn’t even looked
for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and
B.S. with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our
daughter went away to college he doesn’t even pretend to like me and
hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman - you don’t need him
anymore! You’re a United States Senator from New York running for
President of the United States. Act like one.
