Posted on 01/15/2017 11:38:16 AM PST by Hillbilly sage
For those unfamiliar with Medicare, let me first explain a term. To participate in this program, you must have a "Primary Physician". Physician, of course, means someone that has successfully completed the required course of study at a University somewhere in India. Primary refers to the person solely responsible for income redistribution. They run up charges, then refer you to every specialist and laboratory in the area to get theirs.
On a visit to my Primary Physician, she informed me that due to a highly elevated PSA, an appointment had been scheduled for me to have a prostate biopsy with a local Urologist. For male readers of this post, let me suggest that if your doctor mentions this to you and you have an option, choose waterboarding instead.
To prepare for this ordeal it is necessary to starve yourself and drink mass quantities (about 17 gallons, it seemed) of liquids that were never intended for human consumption. Being raised on a farm, I recognized the odor of one and told my wife that I wished they had left it in the horse.
The big day came and I arrived at a nice office, checked in and sat down in the waiting area. A short time later, this gentleman approached me, stuck out his hand and said, "I'm Dr. Doug". I shook his hand and replied, I'm patient Steve, how the heck are you? On our way to the back he told me that we would have a short wait while they sanitized the probe, then added, "Don't know why they have to do that because we both know where I'm going to stick it". Being me, I quipped, "Must be a lunar probe". He quickly responded with "On no, its Uranus probe"
We talked for a little while waiting for the hot poker to cool somewhat and he noticed my USMC ring. He said the he was also a Jarhead having retired as a Captain. He further explained that while he had wanted to be a brain surgeon, he only started medical school when he left the Corps and was so far behind that he ended up at the "rear".
I was then dressed in a "humiliation gown" and asked to lie down on a table on my side. It was at that point his pretty assistant entered the room. When I saw her I wondered if some child labor law had been violated. They stood behind me and he told her of our probe banter. She said the she believed that I was correct because all she saw was the " moon".
All humor left that room when he fired up that front end loader and proceeded to drive it straight up my rear end. When he finished his work, he commented that I was the first patient he ever had that did not flinch once while he gouged 12 pieces out of my prostate. I took it as the compliment intended and did not think it necessary to explain "Fear Paralysis ".
When I arrived home, my first thought was food, so I fixed me a plate and sat down in front of the TV. A Fox News medical expert was explaining breaking news about the procedure I had just endured. The National Institute of Health had just released an extensive study that concluded the procedure itself may pose greater health risks than the cancer it was designed to detect.
After ambivalent attitude by my urologist I sought a second opinion who did another biopsy which found the aggressive cancer, proven even more aggressive by the final tissue exam. If you come back positive, get a urologist who has done at least 500 procedures. My urologist does only biopsies and surgery, no regular patients. Go for the best.
If that sounds painful, consider the alternative: catheter inserted via the penis (worst pain known to science) to relieve the bladder.
My hospital must have been hungry for MRI sessions (very expensive) as I had three the same day. The "big cheese" head doctor of the hospital was so upset at my refusal to do the third MRI that day that he had the nurse hive me an injection of Lorazepam aka Ativan and I slipped into "Mellow-Land" and my objection disappeared.
LOL, I had the biopsy due to an elevated PSA. It’s exactly like you describe. I was given no sedation and it was like shooting a staple gun up your butt about a dozen times. Results came back positive for cancer and I opted for the radical prostatectomy. That was 15 years ago and not a problem since. Johns Hopkins is the best. God Bless.
I have a friend whose 50 year old son is recovering from having his prostate removed. There is a history of cancer in the family, with many deaths due to various types of this disease. Last year this young man’s father underwent chemo and radiation treatments for larynx and pharynx cancer. I have yet to hear from her whether the surgery on her son had gotten all the cancer.
After my ultra sound for my Prostate cancer Stage three, 11 out of twelve fields of the prostate, aggressive cancer), my ( Doctor) said he would be take a telephone call and be right back, thirty minutes later I left the examination room, and found out he had left for the day. I found myself a new and great Urologist.
Great writing! With a sense of humor such as yours, able to turn horse piss into a comedy cocktail, I predict you’ll live a long life, sir. :)
I’d like to read the story of your first post-op orgasm. I’m sure it will be colorful...
Been through two of these about 8 years apart due to an elevated psa count and a nodule on my prostate. First one was done in the doctor’s office with something like a spring loaded needle gun. By the time he was pulling the trigger for sample 6 of 10, I was more than ready to leave. Second experience was much better except for the prep procedure. Basically they put me to sleep in an out patient facility, took the samples, and released me shortly after I woke up. Except for a slight butt hurt, it was a great nap. If you have a choice, be a wuss and opt for the second procedure. I’ll probably have to have a third biopsy at some point and will definitely choose to take a nap.
“I was given no sedation”
Some doctor does that to me (for whatever procedure) and I’ll come back later and there will be one fewer urologist (or whatever specialty).
They could open for Pussy Riot...
At my last “finger wave” I said to the Army doc, “OW, what are you doing up there, TDY?” Lesson: never make a urologist laugh in mid-exam.
Dave Barry’s colonoscopy vid (no procedure, just doc talk) got me through my first one. Especially how the prep sends your colon into the future & you s*** what you have not yet even eaten. My next is due in March. Wonderful.
I went through the same thing last year. Primary care doctor had been doing PSAs and found an elevated reading. Gave me antibiotics on the chance that there might be an infection, next PSA a couple of weeks later, even higher PSA. Made an appointment with the urologist who did the digital exam. Very unpleasant. On top of that, no sympathy from women whatsoever! “You don’t know what it like to have fingers probing in private spots”, resulted in eye rolls and laughter.
Prostate felt “hard’ to him. Scheduled biopsy. Twenty-four hours of “cleaning out”. Biopsy sounds worse than it is (or at least it was for me). Worst part was the insertion of the tool which felt about the size of a telephone pole. “Relax” he kept saying—like that was going to happen. I was told to expect something that felt like a rubber band popping me, but to be honest, only two of the twelve had any pain at all.
Results come back with 7 of 12 samples positive including one that seemed to be fairly aggressive. I asked doc what would happen if I did nothing and he said bone cancer likely in a couple of years. He said that if I were his dad (Jeez, when did I get this old?), he recommend prostatectomy. I know that most old men die with, not from prostate cancer, but I didn’t want to be one of the “froms”, so I had the traitorous gland removed.
The government thinks that doctors order too many PSA tests (and mammograms for that matter) but I kind of figured my primary care doctor saved my life and I told him so.
I had a similar experience with a proctologist, who also had a pretty young female assistant.
She brought him a beer right in front of me, but he quickly reprimanded her, saying “No! I asked for a BUTT light.”
So I sent an e-mail to my primary physician and was told that:
All men are at risk for prostate cancer, and the older you are the higher the risk. That said it is a very slow growing cancer and most men die WITH it rather than FROM it. If you are having blood in urine we can evaluate that, but it is actually NOT recommended to screen for it. A prostate biopsy is no joke.
So...I have a friend who had Prostate Cancer ...I will give him a call and find out what his insurance and doctor was...
He went to a clinic in LA and had Gamma Knife surgery.
A friend of mine was a nurse in a urologist’s office right after she got out of nursing school. And yes, she’s quite pretty.
Her first week she gave a patient a paper cup and told him to fill it at least half full and if he had too much to pour the rest of it off.
He gave her a very funny look. He was there to have his sperm evaluated. LOL
You want to get prostate cancer before it spreads outside the prostate gland to avoid complications and a painful death. The sooner the better. A biopsy is the only procedure as far as I know that will determine if you do have cancer.
“Sounds like a great name for a band.”
A GAY band.
My PSA is way down but I'm still taking hormone treatment. Luckily still on this side of the dirt.
Do not, not slough that off. I scoffed too and finally got one to stop my dads nagging. Three polyps the first go round, none malignant then or in subsequent scans.
Had a co-worker go out with colon cancer. He died hard. Very, very hard.
You are right about doing it after a few high PSA readings. They first did an MRI. Then I had my biopsy in Aug 2016. The nurse said I was the first person in her seven years that said it did not hurt. Well they found cancer and I had it removed on Dec 2nd, 2016 by the best prostate doctor around. So far I am not doing too bad. Most of the pain is now gone. I need to use a pad since I still leak urine. I hope that goes away soon. It seems to be getting better.
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