Woo-Hoo!
Morning! Top Ten! (for a change)
Obama era logic
affordable = cost more
higher poverty and food stamps = recovery
shrinking labor force = lower unemployment
stock market at bubble highs from 0% rates = sustainable
h/t amray
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven
.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, ‘Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.’
Forrest responds, ‘It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope the test ain’t too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was.’
St. Peter continued, ‘Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week begin, with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God’s first name?
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,
‘Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.’
Forrest replied, ‘Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.’
The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, ‘Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?’ asked St. Peter.
‘How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,’ replied Forrest,
‘but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.’
Astounded, St. Peter said, ‘Twelve? Twelve?
Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?
Forrest replied, ‘Shucks, there’s got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... ‘
‘Hold it, interrupts St. Peter. ‘I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God’s first name’?
‘Sure,’ Forrest replied, it’s Andy. ‘
‘Andy?’ exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?’
You are going to love this ....
‘Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,’ Forrest replied.
‘I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.’
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
‘Run, Forrest, run.’
Top ten! Yay!
I need it again this week. Building over 50 servers the last couple of days.
IN!!
Top 20 Silly!
https://www.youtube.com/embed/qybUFnY7Y8w
Bored engineers
After yesterday’s ridiculous USSC ruling...do we really need a silliness thread?
Saw a bumper sticker last week that read “Jesus loves you, but I’m His favorite.”
I’ve always wanted one with the “Smile, God loves you” and underneath that “Everyone else thinks you’re an idiot.” Never did get it, because I couldn’t justify how that would look on my car parked in a church parking lot... But I still want one.
TOP...100? Sorry I’m late. The Housework Thingy caught up with me finally and I had to get it done before I lost my gumption. And I hate when that happens as it often disappears for months at a time. :o|
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”
“You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.”
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
“Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner.
“No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a bronze judge."
Dear Airlines
Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a “party atmosphere” going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win - win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn’t Bush or Obama think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”
Jose says, “Look at your sign, what does it say”?
Carlos sign reads ‘I have no work, a wife and six kids to support’.”
Jose says “ No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars.”
Carlos says... “So what does your sign say”?
Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, “I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico.”
_____
