Posted on 06/19/2015 5:58:14 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Be very careful when baby is cooking with Dad. . . that is be sure baby isn't what's for dinner!
When kids get older, there is a reason why they'll remember play time with Dads more..
It's clear what's going on when kids are with Mom, but what the hell are they doing with Dad? Turning into little slaves?
Guess which parent a kid will learn to ride a two-wheeler faster with?
At amusement parks, Dad always seems to have MORE FUN than anyone else in the family.
Careful. . . Baby might be left behind in a zoo with the animals, when going with Dad.
Dad will dress kids in costumes ONLY adults understand and can laugh about.
Have you ever wondered how Dad is able to do the grocery shopping so DAMN QUICKLY?
Never mind ever having table manners. . . "Manners" don't exist in Dad's book.
Dads certainly have a "hands on" approach to this difficult baby time. Don't worry about Mom's onion, it numbs the gums.
16 All Time Funniest Dad Texts (warning: language)
Now for some funny riddles:
1. Take away my first letter, and I still sound the same. Take away my last letter, I still sound the same. Even take away my letter in the middle, I will still sound the same. I am a five letter word. What am I?
2. What is as light as a feather, but even the world’s strongest man couldn’t hold it for more than a minute?
3. What 5- letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
4. There are 3 switches downstairs. Each corresponds to one of the three light bulbs in the attic. You can turn the switches on and off and leave them in any position. How would you identify which switch corresponds to which light bulb if you are only allowed one trip upstairs
5. I am very heavy but, backwards I’m not. What am I?
6. A cowboy rides into town on Friday; he stays two days and leaves on Saturday. How can this be?
7. Where does afternoon come before morning?
8. What has a face and two hands, but no arms and legs?
9. I come one in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years. What am I?
10. What gets wetter as it dries?
11. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
12. Try to re-arrange the letters of NEW DOOR to make one word.
13. A basket contains 5 apples. How can you divide the apples among 5 kids so that each child has an apple and one apple stays in the basket?
Nice mullet :-)
There are two mullets in that pic.
A man owned a small ranch near Sheridan, Wyoming. The Wyoming Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the investigator.
“Well,” replied the rancher, “there’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board.
Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board.
But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”
“That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,” says the investigator.
“You’re talking to him,” replied the rancher.
Drying out down here on the TX gulf coast.
I’ll guess at a few:
3: short
5: ton
6: his horse is named Saturday
7: the day before
8: a clock
10: a towel
11: “incorrectly”
12: ONE WORD
13: one kid gets the basket with the apple in it.
1. Take away my first letter, and I still sound the same. Take away my last letter, I still sound the same. Even take away my letter in the middle, I will still sound the same. I am a five letter word. What am I? - AAYYY!
2. What is as light as a feather, but even the world’s strongest man couldn’t hold it for more than a minute? A relevant thought.
3. What 5- letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short (hey, I got one!)
4. There are 3 switches downstairs. Each corresponds to one of the three light bulbs in the attic. You can turn the switches on and off and leave them in any position. How would you identify which switch corresponds to which light bulb if you are only allowed one trip upstairs? Leave one off, turn one on, turn one on for 30 seconds, then turn it off. The one that is on is obvious. Of the two that remain, one will be cold, the other warm.
5. I am very heavy but, backwards I’m not. What am I? Ton
6. A cowboy rides into town on Friday; he stays two days and leaves on Saturday. How can this be? Friday is the name of his horse.
7. Where does afternoon come before morning? In the dictionary
8. What has a face and two hands, but no arms and legs? A clock.
9. I come one in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years. What am I? The letter "m".
10. What gets wetter as it dries? A towel
11. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it? Incorrectly
12. Try to re-arrange the letters of NEW DOOR to make one word. O-N-E W-O-R-D
13. A basket contains 5 apples. How can you divide the apples among 5 kids so that each child has an apple and one apple stays in the basket? One kid hands out one apple each to the four kids, and keeps his own in the basket.
A student played high school football in Detroit. He was a great running back, but a really poor student, and didn't have enough credits to graduate. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal agreed if Darqueeze could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.
The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place.It was standing room only. The principal was on the stage and told him to come up. The principal had the diploma in his hand and said, "Darqueeze, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." He said he was ready and the principal asked him the question.
"Darqueeze," he said, "How much is three times seven?"
He looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question.
The other students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"
Then he held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."
A hush fell over the auditorium and all the other students began to chant - "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
| Clinton/Bush 2016 |
| What difference, at this point, does it make |
7 is “in the dictionary”
I’m impressed.
2 is “his breath”. You just assumed he was a liberal but he might not be.
A Man’s Age, as Determined by aTrip to Home Depo
You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden.You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit — shorts with the hole in the crotch, oldT-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line. And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don’t waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird about thinking she’s spicy.
In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore
because it makes you look fat.
The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember — the hat you have on is from Bubba’s Bait & Beer Bar and it says, ‘I Got Worms’.
In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute but you don’t have your glasses on, so you’re not sure.
In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don’t even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead.
You went to school with the old lady greeter.
You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.
In your 90s & beyond:
What’s a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
A DEA agent, together with an ATF and an FBI agent as part of a task force, arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska.
The agents tell the rancher, “We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA agent verbally explodes saying, “Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government with us.”
Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer.
“See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running for their lives and close behind is the rancher’s bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs...
“Your badges! Show him your badges!”
“7 is “in the dictionary”
Yes, I blew it on 6, too. Should have been Friday. I was thinking right, just read it wrong.
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