My Uncle left me a black bear rug. I put it on the floor in the family room with the head facing the entrance. I called the dogs. Oh, Porsche can brag-up their carbon ceramic brakes and how fast they can stop a car, but you ain’t seen stopping power until you’ve seen four dogs charging into the family room expecting that there might be a treat only to discover Yogi Bear waiting in ambush for them. They locked up their legs and kept pushing each other to the front. The little one eventually ended up in the front. He pretended to pass out and dropped to the floor. He must have read that Forest Service bear pamphlet. The girl must have read the pamphlet too, because she was frantically looking for pepper spray. She couldn’t find any, so she grabbed my Margarita salt and started shaking salt at the bear rug. The two brothers just sat there with their eyes closed trying their best to camouflage themselves as chairs. I had put a remote controlled car under the bear, and figured it was a good time for the bear to charge. The family room floor is wood. Dog paws just can’t get traction on that floor. You should have heard the howling! That was me. The dogs were too busy scratching and sliding to make any noise. The remote controlled bear ran over the top of the little dog and the other three really went wild seeing a bear that could swallow a dog in one bite. Of course, the little dog realized that it was all fake, so he started to bark to let the others know it was a trick. They just figured that this was a sneaky bear who could speak foreign languages. After about five minutes, the three dogs made it down the hall and hid behind my wife. I couldn’t get the remote controlled bear to corner, just like the old Chevy truck, so he was stuck in the doorway with the little dog still trapped underneath.
My wife came down the hall yelling at me for teasing the dogs. I told her the bear was alive. It’s almost Christmas, so I won’t tell you what she called me. She reached for the bear’s head. The little dog must have thought it was me (I guess it’s hard to see when you’re under a bear) and bit her hand. Well, the power of suggestion can be enough to convince some people because she was convinced that the bear was alive and ran off to get the rifle. The little dog has locked me out of the house several times, but I still didn’t want the wife to shoot him. I took the bear rug off the remote controlled car. The little dog peed on my shoe and ran down the hall so my wife could protect him.
Next week, I borrow the neighbor’s mountain lion rug.
Laughing.....
This is one of the funniest and most well written pieces I’ve seen in a while. If you published a book I would definitely buy it.