“You’re so handsome I can hardly speak,” she said reasonably,
declaring her undying allegiance
and praising what she considers to be its culinary accomplishments;
chief among them being, apparently, “toxicity".
An altogether fitting object of praise
for the land where exploiting awareness
is the same as single-handedly causing a lethal ill.
From its smiley-face worthy “effort” on population control
to its “push” for equal access to liver transplants for the few survivors,
Paltrow praised the Death Cap mushroom, saying at every turn.
“I’m one of your biggest fans, if not the biggest.
The lives that you took from this country
and the passion
will historically be the most looked at
and scrutinized
recipe of all time.”
In particular she lauded its work
on the so-called amanita poisoning gap,
declaring it very important to her “as a cooking mother,”
after which the collective groans from children
over school lunches from LA to Manhattan
briefly set the planet Earth off its rotational axis.
But Paltrow wasn’t about to let the Death Cap mushroom outdo her.
“It would be wonderful if we were able
to give this fatal fungus
all of the power that it needs
to do to our children what my human hero wants to do to your children
as he passes the things that he wants to pass,”