Posted on 07/31/2014 1:54:53 PM PDT by Morgana
It’s pretty depressing when you realize that, in 2014, many people seem to think that destruction of human dignity is a small price to pay for an orgasm.
I suppose when I write a column about a book that just sold its 100 millionth copy I shouldn’t be surprised when I get a bit of a kickback. But I have to say—I wasn’t expecting hundreds of commenters, many saying they were Christian, to come out loudly defending the porn novel 50 Shades of Grey, often tastelessly interspersed with details from their own sex lives.
People squawked that we “shouldn’t judge” those who practice bondage, domination, sadism and masochism (BDSM), and informed me that “no one gets hurt” and that it “isn’t abuse” and said that it was “just fantasy” (as if we have a separate brain and body for fantasy).
Meanwhile, not a single commenter addressed one of the main arguments I laid out—that with boys watching violent porn and girls being socialized to accept violence and torture inside of a sexual relationship, we have created a toxic situation in which people very much are being hurt.
In response to the defenders of this trash, let me make just a few points.
Not all consent is equal.
People keep trumpeting this stupid idea that just because someone consents to something or allows something to happen, it isn’t abusive.
But if someone consents to being beaten up, punched, slapped, whipped, called disgusting and degrading names, and have other things done to them that I will choose not to describe here, does that make it any less abusive? It makes it legal (perhaps, but it certainly doesn’t make it any less disgusting or violent.
Anyone who works with victims of domestic and sexual assault will tell you that just because someone permits something to happen or doesn’t extricate themselves from a situation doesn’t mean it isn’t, in fact, abuse. Only when it comes to sex are people starting to make this argument, so that they can cling to their fetishes and justify their turn-ons. Those women who defend the book because they think it spiced up their sex life are being incredibly selfish and negligent, refusing to think about how this book could affect other women in different situations, as well as young and impressionable girls. Advertisement
In the words of renowned porn researcher and sociologist Dr. Gail Dines:
In his book on batterers, Lundy Bancroft provides a list of potentially dangerous signs to watch out for from boyfriends. Needless to say, Christian [Grey of 50 Shades of Grey] is the poster boy of the list, not only with his jealous, controlling, stalking, sexually sadistic behavior, but his hypersensitivity to what he perceives as any slight against him, his whirlwind romancing of a younger, less powerful woman, and his Jekyll-and-Hyde mood swings. Any one of these is potentially dangerous, but a man who exhibits them all is lethal.
The most likely real-world ending of Fifty Shades of Grey is fifty shades of black and blue. The awful truth in the real world is that women who partner with a Christian Grey often end up hightailing it to a battered women's shelter with traumatized kids in tow. The less fortunate end up in graveyards.
50 Shades of Grey normalizes intimate partner violence…
…and sickeningly, even portrays it as romantic and erotic. Amy Bonomi, Lauren Altenburger, and Nicole Walton published an article on the impact of 50 Shades last year in the Journal of Women’s Health. Their conclusions are intuitive and horrifying:
While intimate partner violence (IPV) affects 25% of women and impairs health, current societal conditions—including the normalization of abuse in popular culture such as novels, film, and music—create the context to support such violence.
Emotional abuse is present in nearly every interaction, including: stalking (Christian deliberately follows Anastasia and appears in unusual places, uses a phone and computer to track Anastasia’s whereabouts, and delivers expensive gifts); intimidation (Christian uses intimidating verbal and nonverbal behaviors, such as routinely commanding Anastasia to eat and threatening to punish her); and isolation (Christian limits Anastasia’s social contact). Sexual violence is pervasive—including using alcohol to compromise Anastasia’s consent, as well as intimidation (Christian initiates sexual encounters when genuinely angry, dismisses Anastasia’s requests for boundaries, and threatens her). Anastasia experiences reactions typical of abused women, including: constant perceived threat (“my stomach churns from his threats”); altered identity (describes herself as a “pale, haunted ghost”); and stressful managing (engages in behaviors to “keep the peace,” such as withholding information about her social whereabouts to avoid Christian’s anger). Anastasia becomes disempowered and entrapped in the relationship as her behaviors become mechanized in response to Christian’s abuse.
Our analysis identified patterns in Fifty Shades that reflect pervasive intimate partner violence—one of the biggest problems of our time. Further, our analysis adds to a growing body of literature noting dangerous violence standards being perpetuated in popular culture.
Really? Sadism?
I notice that commenters rarely break down what the acronym “BDSM” actually stands for: bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism. If they did, they could no longer make the repulsive claim that “love” or “intimacy” have anything to do with it.
The definition of sadism is “enjoyment that someone gets from being violent or cruel or from causing pain, especially sexual enjoyment from hurting or punishing someone…a sexual perversion in which gratification is obtained by the infliction of physical or mental pain on others.”
As one of my colleagues noted, we used to send sadists to a therapist or to prison, not to the bedroom. And 100 million copies of this porn novel have been unleashed on our society informing people that getting off on hurting someone is romantic and erotic. It is a brutal irony that people who scream about water-boarding terrorists are watching and experimenting with sexual practices far more brutal. As one porn researcher noted, some online BDSM porn promotes practices and behaviors that would be considered unlawful under the Geneva Convention if they were taking place in a wartime context.
It seems the Sexual Revolutionaries have gone from promoting “safe sex” to “safe words”—just in case the pain gets too rough. And none of them seem to be volunteering information on just how a woman is supposed to employ a safe word with a gag or bondage headgear on.
But who cares, right? Just one more casualty on our culture’s new Sexual Frontier.
“It’s just fiction and fantasy and has no effect on the real world!”
That’s total garbage and they know it. I’ve met multiple girls who were abused like this inside of relationships. Hotels are offering “50 Shades of Grey” packages replete with the helicopter and private suites for the proceedings. According to the New York Post, sales of rope exploded tenfold after the release of the book. Babeland reported that visits to the bondage section of their website spiked 81%, with an almost 30% increase in the sale of things like riding crops and handcuffs.
I could go on, but I won’t. As Babeland co-founder Claire Cavanah noted, “It’s like a juggernaut. You’d be surprised to see how very ordinary these people are who are coming in. The book is just an explosion of permission for them to try something new in the bedroom.”
What does this book and the BDSM movement say about the value of women and girls?
I’d like the defenders of this book to try stop thinking with their nether-regions for just a moment and ask themselves a few simple questions: What does sadism and sexual torture (consensual or not) say to our culture about the value of girls? What does it say to boys about how they should treat girls? The youth of today are inundated with porn and sexually violent material—is nobody—nobody—at all worried about the impact this has on them? On the girls who are being abused by boys who think this is normal behavior—and think it is normal themselves?
Dr. Gail Dines relates that when speaking to groups of women who loved the book, they all grow deathly silent when she asks them two simple questions: Would you want your daughter to be in a relationship with Christian Grey? Would you want your son to turn into Christian Grey?
If the answer is yes to either of those, someone should call social services.
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This book and the sadism it promotes are an assault on human dignity, and most of all an assault on the worth and value of girls and women. Please consider the impact you will have on your daughters and the vulnerable and confused people around you when you read and promote this book. Anastasia Steele is, thankfully, a fictional character. But real girls are facing these expectations and demands from a culture that elevates a sexual sadist to the level of a romantic hero. Ask yourselves if you want their “love” and “intimacy” to include sadism and domination, or real respect.
Because you can’t have both.
Oh, and IBTZ
Well I like the terms chunder plunder and turd burglar. My grandpa prefers maggot infested faggot. I say whatever, just please don’t use it for dinner talk.
No, when I see an unfamiliar troll, I check them out.
I also appreciate your ability to tag everyone on a post specifically directed to you to help you gang pile on a poster with whom you don’t agree.
Nope, just letting like-minded FReepers know what's up.
I suppose my agenda on THIS thread is to point out that just because someone doesn’t use a specific term to label a fudge packer doesn’t mean they aren’t toeing the line.
I don't recall EVER using or suggesting that the term "fudge packer" be used. I typically use homosexual or sodomite, but perhaps "sphincter tickler" would be less offensive to trolls like you.
You look like an ass questioning everyone’s motives.
Everyone? It's just you and one other troll.
I think it’s childish especially when it’s paired with your need to tag everyone on a post to you as well as your need to look your nose down at anyone who prefers a Walking Dead thread to one of the 300 ebola threads.
I really don't care what you watch, I was simply observing that you seldom, if ever, post on conservative threads.
I guess you missed the part where I said I don’t get it. I also would like you to find any comment I’ve made suggesting that I’m a porn supporter. You two are insane with your diatribe. I simply refuse to apologize or be ashamed of the things my husband and I of twenty years do in bed together nor should any other Christian couple. And I don’t subscribe to the idea that if someone doesn’t use a specific word to describe a group of people, they have an agenda and aren’t in line. The fact that you would rather insinuate that I support porn and zot me instead of disagreeing with me is proof of the insanity that has taken over. Metmom.... you and I have had many great discussions over the years and I’ve learned much from you- your knee jerk reaction to a post that you didn’t read well has opened my eyes.
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I would never have guessed from your posts on this thread that you are
1. a woman
or
2. a Christian.
Why you seem to believe that anyone is interested in your sex life is a mystery to me, not to mention, odd.
It's called a ping list. I'm one of the people on it. We have requested to be pinged to topics and conversations of interest to us.
I don't usually have much time to search out what interests me here, so I requested Wagglebee ping me to items of interest. It saves me hours of time that I don't have, while allowing me to stay up to date. I don't have time to tell you how wrong you are, but I enjoy watching Wagglebee mop the floor with trolls.
I'm quite often a day or two late, but I still enjoy reading it. I appreciate Wagglebee taking out the trash and keeping me informed of his progress.
I don’t recall discussing my sex life on this thread.
I’m beginning to see the problem here. Many allow one to do the thinking for them.
1. a woman
or
2. a Christian.
Why you seem to believe that anyone is interested in your sex life is a mystery to me, not to mention, odd.
You are making a few errors here:
1. In this day and age, you can no longer assume that a person referring to their "husband" is a woman, or if so was actually born that way.
2. You can no longer assume that because a person refers to themselves as a Christian or goes to a church that calls itself Christian that they actually believe anything resembling Christianity.
3. There is a specific group of people who DEFINES their identity by their sex life and wants everyone to know about it.
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It seems to me that you've inserted yourself into the discussion.
You’re absolutely right.
Right. Inserting myself into a discussion and discussing my sex life are two different things. One I have done and the other I have not. One makes for an interaction in a forum and the other makes for erotica. Which let me be clear I don’t read or write. I don’t need anyone of accusing me of that either.
I didn’t say that you discussed your sex life, as long as we’re on the subject of accusations.
I do my own thinking, but thank you for demonstrating that you are incapable of thinking for yourself.
You’ve been here long enough to know what a ping list is. You should know that it is not a list of people who assign their thinking to the keeper of the ping list.
Ping lists are a time honored tradition here. They are a means of extending courtesy.
Um, you brought it up and revealed more about it by your comments than you perhaps intended.
Which comments were those? I think you have a filthy mind as no where in my comments have I said anything about my sex life. Now if you’re taking away from my comment that a Christian couple enjoying bondage means that I enjoy bondage then you are sadly mistaken and need a lesson in reading comprehension OR you need more Jesus because YOU are thinking more about my sex life than you need to be.
Now you ladies and gentlemen keep on keeping on with the Lord’s work
“taking out the trash”. I suspect that if He wants someone keeping people in line you three are the ones to do it. You have the time on your hands as well as the ability to read minds and judge hearts. Exactly what He is looking for, I’m sure.
I just took a peek. Looked to me like assisted FReepicide. LOL. Good job!
Oh, I’m well aware of what a Ping is. I just didn’t know there was one for ganging up on people. Or was it a porn ping? If I’m guilty of anything it’s not being aware that there were group like this on FR. But then again I just “troll”.
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I very much doubt that anyone on this thread cares what you do in your relationships.
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