Posted on 07/04/2014 9:02:19 PM PDT by proud American in Canada
Hi all,
I never, NEVER, thought I'd post this here. But at this point, I have no one to turn to.
I'm a 51 year-old housewife/reporter and photographer who tries to make money doing proofreading, editing, writing,taking pictures, and oh, yes, selling ads for a phone book belonging to a dear friend of mine who was on Gatineau's city council (that's how I met him; we broke a lot of stories here).
I need to make a profile on FR; it would save a lot of time. :)
Long story short. I grew up in Des Plaines, IL, met my French Canadian husband about 20 + years ago; we moved to Denver and had a son and daughter there. Thank God they were born on American soil! :)
About 15 years ago, my husband got a job offer and we had to move north. I felt like he'd punched me in the stomach; I couldn't breathe. I fell into a depression after moving the kids, by myself, driving all those miles (my husband had already bought a home and begun work with the government up here).
A year after we moved, 9/11 happened...and even though I was far away, I felt even more depressed, probably because I was separated from the country I love and knew was hurting, but I couldn't do anything. Thanks to FR, I sent care packages to the troops...
Anyway. Fast forward to today. I began drinking hard, and now, it seriously imperiled my health. I have to stop, and I do, for periods of time, but then... something happens and I fall back into old habits.
Example. I`ve never had a D.U.I. (I never drink and drive), but I lost my drivers license at the hospital because my brain chemicals were out of whack (too much ammonia?). I'm on lactylose.
Last weekend, a long weekend here because of Canada Day, I had a lot of errands to do with the car, so I needed hubby to drive me around.
Things were okay... until at some point, he kept being so sarcastic, so .... fake ... he kept saying, "where should we go right now? Please, let me help you!" (fake, fake, fake). I started to cry in the car. He'd beaten me down after two days of me asking him to drive me here and there to help my (Gatineau city) councillor friend make money...
I cried and gave up, and bought some booze at the grocery store, while he bought "make your own pizza" fixings...I had said, "we can get all of that at Walmart.." (where they don't sell alcohol). Instead, he chose a grocery where they sell alcohol…the one thing I didn’t want him to do).
Long story short, I feel like I'm pushing up the proverbial rock while my husband is kicking it, hard, back into my face.... all while doing that in front of our kids so that they have no respect for me. btw, when I don`t drink, we have the same fights... just not as emotional on my side. What do I do? How do you deal with trying to fix yourself when everyone seems to be aligned against you? Any advice would be appreciated. And I feel so embarrassed to reach out like this, but I’m at my wit’s end. My husband seems closer to our daughter than he does to me, and it hurts. Julie
J.
One of the tenant’s of AA is that you need to take care of yourself first. I recently celebrated three years sober last Sunday. Prior to that I hadn’t had a drink for a year. My life didn’t improve until I started going to AA.
You have to become a non-drinker, someone who doesn’t drink.
Playing the game of someone trying to quit, is a path to repeatedly finding reasons to fall off the wagon.
There will always be a reason to fall off the wagon, every few years something truly catastrophic befalls us, a child dying, a parent dying, or even losing our job, losing the transmission on the car and our husband leaving, all in the same month, one has to decided that they are no longer a drinker, so that there can be no drinking to fall back on.
I am probably the last man on earth to try to give someone advice. However, my suggestion is, go to the nearest church and ask for help. Priest preacher or rabbi, I don’t think it matters. Then have a long talk with the Lord.
Good luck and God bless.
My advice would be to get involved in things that focus your attention outside yourself. Church, charity work. See if you can do some of your editorial work for a local church, even for free. Get busy, and shun being inactive.
1. Visit your medical doctor and be assessed for depression. You may be self medicating with alcohol.
2. Do not blame yourself and do not blame your husband for the circumstances you are both in. He is caught in the spiral too.
3. Get to a counselor to help you untangle the causes of your behavior and to work on them with you. Pay for it if you must because it can save your life and your marriage.
4. Don’t stop trying to get better, even if you have a set back. Get up and go at it again. Millions have quit drinking. Many of them have had to take a few tries to quit completely. You can only get there if you keep trying.
There are a lot of good groups around if you really want to quit. Find one which fits your style and join. Your local AA chapter is a great place to start, but if that isn't your cup of tea, many caring Christian churches offer similar programs which can be equally or even more effective.
Unless you are an exceptionally strong and religious person, it is a difficult thing to do alone. There is no shame in seeking out one of these groups and asking for help. You don't even have to have a serious problem with alcohol to do it. I went because I feared I was going in that direction and didn't want to.
Blah..blah.blahblahblah..Quit drinking. Find your local AA and ALANON. If you can’t do that, don’t bother posting.
Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer, you just don’t like it.
You know the answer. It’s displayed in your words. You just need to see it.
Congratulations, Mean Daddy. I think AA is the way to go; at least there is someone you can call (?) when things get difficult.
I hate this!
I am in a program, but it’s weekly. They say that at three months, your brain chemicals change and it gets a lot better (dopamine, etc.).
I don’t know when things shifted from normal to impossible.. You know? It would have been nice if God had given us a heads-up. ;) Although maybe that’s the point. :)
Thank you for the smile on my face... I wish you the best, always, FRiend. :)
Take care,
Julie
I was going to chide your for what sounded like lack of appreciation for your husband. I’ll hold my tongue, though, and urge you to get help, for your sake and for the sake of your man and your kids.
I’ve never had the problem as badly as you (I can have the occasional wine or beer without getting drunk), but I found that when I rediscovered my favourite hobbies and spent more time with non-drinking friends, my alcohol consumption plummeted. It is unfortunate that your husband is not more supportive, because nothing helps more than friends and family.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEdSqlxa7Hg
developing inner power, this may help you. You have to start feeling good about yourself first and foremost.
"You have to become a non-drinker, someone who doesn’t drink.....
‘Blah..blah.blahblahblah..Quit drinking. Find your local AA and ALANON. If you can’t do that, don’t bother posting.’
____________________________________
Thanks, guy. You just reminded me why I never wanted to speak to people here, knowing I’d be blasted.
However, I know, and believe, that there many people who have seen my post and perhaps will realize that others are in the same boat. So if I’ve embarrassed myself, so be it. I will do as you suggest, as I have done before. It is a lifelong struggle.
In any case, take care.
Julie
Having said that. You have to find the resources and help that helps you accomplish that.
Praying for you Julie!
My dad drank too much. So growing up with that I never had the desire to drink. Never did and I’m 42.
Obviously I’m no help at all.
Good advice
Like you, I have never had a DUI. At 48 I had had enough. I would quit for extended periods of time to see if it had me. Problem was my life never got better.
It’s not the extreme things in life that get us down, it’s the day to day things. AA gave me the tools to level out the highs and lows.
There are many programs to quit, AA works for me. I always believed in God, but AA has given me a spiritual life that I’ve never had.
Before going to AA, I never thought I had choices. I thought when I got angry, it’s the way I was. AA gave me choices and pause in my life. I hope you find what you’re looking for.
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