I can identify with the “gave everything I could, but it wasn’t enough” situation. I lived it. I realized as it was happening that I could have tried to move heaven and earth and it still would not have been enough. In other words, it was not in my power to save the marriage because she had already thrown it away. Yes, it was a crushing blow, but I also realized she was not worth my life or putting my sons’ lives at risk for doing something stupid.
Now after 13 years, with no help from me, my sons have lost their respect for their mother. I am still single. She remarried a couple of years ago. And on occasions, I see little signs that she realizes she made some monstrous mistakes. But moral victories are worthless and the scars have caused problems for my sons. Very sad and unnecessary.
I would encourage you to involve you sons in a church that teaches about life long commitment to marriage. Show them the way it “should have been”. Teach them not to join in marriage lightly.
And maybe, just maybe, the scars will heal and they will make something better in their lives.
Sorry to read that Rat, your story mirrors mine, in reverse of course.
What I’ve learned along the way is that with the wrong person, you can’t do anything right. With the right person, you can’t do anything wrong. It’s exaggerated of course, but at it’s heart, I find it to be true. My ex remarried a woman who is about as evil as I’ve seen.