Posted on 03/07/2014 7:17:46 PM PST by Gamecock
Excerpt…
Like most people in my coveted demographic, I probably watch as many Seinfeld reruns on TBS and my local stations as I do brand new shows, despite the fact that I’ve seen every episode dozens of times and constantly quote them when I’m telling stories to my dog. What can I say? Even the 75th viewing of “The Serenity Now” is still funnier than anything that has ever happened on Two and a Half Men.
But possibly unlike most people, I overanalyze almost everything about the ridiculousness of Seinfeld, and I try to rationalize a lot of what happened to Jerry and the gang as if it happened in real life. How many ways would Joe Davola have chopped up Kramer’s body once he kicked him in the head? At what point would Jerry have decided that enough was enough and moved without telling Kramer? When would Elaine finally settle into a loveless marriage with a wealthy man? How old would George Costanza have been when his heart finally exploded?
The one question that came up in a conversation with a friend, though, was “Who was Jerry’s best girlfriend?” That friend – we’ll call him Bob Sacamano – eventually challenged me to make a ranking of Jerry’s best girlfriends. “But not just one of those ‘Who was the hottest’ lists with no detail,” he demanded. “I’m talking a thorough, scientific analysis based on everything that we look for in a woman.” Later, he’d say that he was joking, but it was already too late.
My mind began racing and my fingers began typing, as I watched old episodes yet again and went through detailed breakdowns of every episode. Thus, I decided that I’d rank the 50 best girlfriends that Jerry dated on Seinfeld, using 1-10 scales for the following categories: Personality, Intelligence, Looks, Cleanliness, Sense of Humor, Compassion, Fidelity, and an overall “Gaga” factor. I call this scoring system the Kavorka Score, and the results will forever be locked inside my safe because this system is too powerful to fall into the wrong man hands.
The only girlfriend not considered in this ranking is Elaine, because she was the first and a core part of the show. Plus, we never really talk about it, but Elaine was as lousy at commitment as Jerry was. In fact, I’m surprised she and Jerry didn’t have their own tractor stories by the time the show aired its finale. Otherwise, every girlfriend over the span of all nine seasons has been considered, and with that said, I give you this very scientific ranking of Seinfeld’s girlfriends.
The Women that Didn’t Make the Cut
Sandra (“The Cheever Letters”): I understand that she was turned off by Jerry’s terrible sex talk –“You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?” – but she didn’t have to rat him out to Elaine.
Bridgette (“The Diplomat’s Club”): She was very attractive but barely on the show. I still could have made a case for her to be No. 1 based on that. Gail Cunningham (“The Shoes”): She wouldn’t kiss Jerry. That’s pretty messed up.
Margaret (“The Big Salad”): She dated Newman and wasn’t “his type.” That’s a damning statement.
Angela (“The Good Samaritan”): Jerry should have just turned her into the cops for the hit-and-run so he could date Becky Gelke.
Corinne (“The Marine Biologist”): Carol Kane might have been Jerry’s absolute worst love interest.
Naomi (“The Bubble Boy”): The awful laugh was one thing, but I hold grudges against everyone that was involved with Caddyshack II.
Sue Ellen Mischke (“The Caddy”): Sure, the braless wonder was a great candidate, but they didn’t actually date. It was just infatuation.
Shelly (“The Doodle”): After Fletch, Dana Wheeler-Nicholson should have been at least a B-list actress. I’d like to know what happened to her career that made her so unsuccessful.
Lisi (“The Sentence Finisher”): She was awful. Keith Hernandez (“The Boyfriend”): I still think they could have had one season that featured Keith in the gang as Jerry’s best friend.
In that case, Mountain Girl.
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