Posted on 01/24/2014 4:28:11 AM PST by Lucky9teen
Another “southern” joke:
A small, rural North Carolina Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.
Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. “First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this.” The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. “Well,” said Ed, “You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.”
Research scientists
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all
traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was
sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,
blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a
bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for
suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo —
“Defrost the chicken!” (True Story)
From Arrowhead1952. Thank you, AH!
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS,BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THERE THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
Thanks for posting that. I am just now getting back on line, but still have a few things to finish outside and it is still just above freezing.
You’re welcome, my friend. Thank you for sending it to me.
Thank you so much for this thread! And thanks to all the clever posters!
Add me to your list please
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"Love, Vex, Pop"
If you don't like your first three, can you go back and look for your first ten and delete seven to get a new first three?
Heh, heh.............
Can't wait to tell it - will have to put it on a card so I don't leave anyone out!
BTW Please keep me on the ping list.
I would tell you why they are divorcing, but it is too serious for this thread. Freep mail me if you wish to know.
Of course you can climb that tree and I will hold your BB gun while you do it.
Love, win, popular.
Apparently my life is turning around in a BIG way!
Okay how do I keep that as a screen saver?
1) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
brown earthenware pot, which he held as his most precious utensil, (From Silas Marner by George Eliot)
2) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?
I hate the sound of a dog whistle, I love the sound of my husband’s voice.
3) What’s your biggest “what if”?
What if... we had met fifteen years prior?
4) To you, what is the meaning of life?
To love God, take care of my family and do what I can to help others.
5) What was the last book you read?
Storm from the Shadows by David Weber
6) What’s your favorite animal?
My current cat. Or maybe my last dog
7) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
Joyful Joyful We Adore Thee
8) What’s the last song you listened to?
Rainy Night in Soho
9) What is your current desktop picture?
Bronze Dragon
10) If you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?
There are many things I would like to change but I get the sense it would be like wishing in the monkey’s paw.
Sounds like a high caliber family!
Cheers,
Jim
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