You are not a prosecutor; this is not a cross-examination and I am not a hostile witness or a defendant on trial here; nor are any of the other freepers who are here trying to communicate with you, it seems, in vain.
But for what it's worth, here it is again: both parties are responsible for pleasing each other -- with a regularity that is subject to negotiation and renegotiation as time passes and circumstances change.
When one or both partners is rigid, demanding or engaging in a power struggle instead of being patient, communicative and cooperative, a couple can become polarized and frozen in opposition, blaming, and so forth. Then the justifications for addictions, porn, masturbation or affairs come into play, because the excuses have already begun.
If you do take the time to explore the web site kindly provided by resettozero, you can find some other articles or links, such as the article on the site that is a follow-up to this one, that did provide more of a view of how pastors can help people struggling with this problem. But addiction digs very deep: to expect a single blog post or article to clear up all the tangled web of Satan's tentacles extended through porn may be unrealistic.
This article and thread, to sum up, are limited to one story about a man who has an addiction to self-gratification that have become a crisis threatening the survival of his marriage, and yet he does not want to deal with it. Facing the problem and healing the problem are his responsibility.
Viewing porn is a problem whether you are male or female, married or single, using media or your own imagination. If it is an addiction, and like Louis Foxwell said, not the root but rather an outer layer of a deeper addiction to self-pleasuring, it needs to be confronted as an addiction or an idolatry, and treated aggressively.
“But for what it’s worth, here it is again: both parties are responsible for pleasing each other”
I’m not talking about pleasure. I’m talking about sex.
Do you believe that one of the duties that a wife has to her husband is to have sex with him on a regular basis. Pleasure’s a bit of a weasal word. So let’s cut right to the chase.
Insofar there is disagreement on this point - then we aren’t working from the same presuppositions. It makes further agreement unlikely. If you don’t believe that regular sex is a duty of a wife, then of course, you’ll agree that the husband should be ok with the wife declining sex - “whenever she feels like”.
The bible is very clear on this. Any period without sex should be, limited, and with mutual consent, ie, that the husband must agree to it. The wife unilaterally deciding isn’t sufficient cause.
Now I am not saying that a husband should force himself on his wife, but I am saying that the wife should see it as part of her responsibility to her husband. It’s no different then if the husband were to turn around and say, “I don’t want to work today”. Well, tough.
Sometimes you do your job because that is your job, and sometimes when you are not at your best. Sex is the same way. Sure, maybe you’re not in the mood, but is that sufficient cause to say no? I would say no.
Unless there is a cause, ie, sickness or something, I would argue (and this works both ways). A husband has a duty to his wife. He can’t be at work 24/7 and leaving her with nothing. There has to be a balance here.
This is why I’m getting at the root here. Is the problem the addiction to porn, or is the problem that the husband is not getting what he needs from his wife? I don’t know what’s true in this case. There is insufficient information to make this determination.
“you can find some other articles or links”
Which, I suppose, contain the same ‘advice’ to ‘seek’ a ‘focus group’, so I guess that the poorly treated wife can get started on husband number 2. Someone who understands her. ;)
“But addiction digs very deep: to expect a single blog post or article to clear up all the tangled web of Satan’s tentacles extended through porn may be unrealistic.”
I thought the advice was particularly bad and warranted further discussion of other possibilities not considered.
“Facing the problem and healing the problem are his responsibility.”
No, it’s not, and I confront this. This is a marriage problem. It is not just his responsibility. It is a responsibility of husband and wife together to tackle this problem.
Would you say that Alcohol was solely the problem of the wife and she had to get well (without the support of her husband?), of course not. You’d be telling the husband that he has to do his best to support her through the addiction. Why?
Because the addiction is not the person. Same here. There is a separation between the identity of the person and the addiction.
“it needs to be confronted as an addiction or an idolatry, and treated aggressively.”
Agreed. I disagree with the bad advice presented by this article.