This has been happening to victims er relatives with new babies, when a Mother goes through a mid life crisis.
A close male relative had this happen decades ago. His not that close mother showed up uninvited a few days before their first child was born and a week or so before they moved into a new home. His mother had worn out her welcome with his dad, sister, and her sisters.
He told her that there was no room at the inn in a one bedroom apartment, and his MIL was on call after the baby came to help with the baby and moving. When his wife’s water broke with the new coming baby, he told his mother that she had to be out of the apartment when the new baby and his wife came home. When, she realized that he was serious, she found an apartment in the area.
The MIL came out to help with the new baby and to help with the move. His Mother didn’t show up again, until the MIL and he got his family moved into their new home. After a very long day of moving and unpacking, she showed up at dinner time un announced, saw the baby and asked what was for diner.
He told her that she was going to buy pizza for all of them, phoned in the order and sent her out to get it. She got it after a short argument and wanted money for it. He said no. She went after the pizza and paid for it.
The MIL returned to her home after about two weeks. She was told, she could return anytime. She never wore out her welcome while she was alive.
His Mother, showed up unannounced a lot, often at diner. He would meet her at the door and say no. She finally got the message and would call a few minutes before, and he said they needed 24 hours notice. She finally got around to doing that and she was told that she had to bring a dinner order each time. He worked about 10-12 hours per day and didn’t have the energy or extra money to fed another and unwelcomed mouth.
Everything his wife did with the new baby was criticized by his mother until he told her the next criticism would result in her being banned for a month. If she did it again, two months. If she did the third time, she would become persona non gratia. She got banned twice and was heading for her third strike.
This went on for about 4 months. Finally, she gave up and went back to her husband, daughter and sisters.
So as you posted, set the guidelines up now before she appears at their door: “I told him they need to set some limits at the beginning, for example, no dropping by unannounced, no criticism of is wife to him, no criticism of him to his wife, especially in front of the children!”
my only advice, because i have not had his experience, is that he not let his children have an inkling about his misgivings with their grandmother... he should do all he can to not taint their opinions of her... that would be unfair to her and them...
Easy one, Tell him to find out how much the other Sons in law are paying to get her to leave and double it
My MIL was very underhandedly mean to me. She was very possessive of my husband and any time I could I made him deal with her. She tried to monopolize him but I worked behind the scenes against it.
OMG, you should have seen her, in public she treated me like a queen. There were times when I swore I would never see her again nor ever let my husband see her again but she had one thing going for her...she loved my kids and so did I.
She’s 90 now, has Alzheimer’s and is in assisted living, I am the one who has to deal with everything, her finances, her personal needs, I visit her most often and I still don’t like her, I feel sorry for her but now I do it for myself. Hopefully my example will lead my sons to treat me tenderly even when they are sick of me.
My sons visit her on their own and my grandchildren though snotty teenagers love to go see her. The children of her daughter haven’t seen her in over a year and she helped them out monetarilly all their lives, she paid for college she bought them cars and sent them on vacations, something she never did for my kids because she thought I might somehow benefit from it.
You have FReepmail.
Consider the nuclear option.
Or find her a good man to keep her busy. Pay him if you have to.
Best bet is to try something I heard a friend do. As soon as she moves in, the same day, show up with the whole family and start pestering her about meals. Show up to drop off the grandchildren unannounced. Claim your washer and dryer are broken and show up to do your laundry for the last two weeks while complaining about the lack of good coffee and snacks. Don’t even give her a chance to show up at your place and make sure that you emphasize that you will be expecting her to really jump in there and provide child raising support and financial support when you run a little short. Think of every horror situation that you can imagine and then visit it upon her.
I forgot that I am a MIL too. My eldest son and family have lived across the road from us for 16 years. I found that my most important phrase with the grandchildren was “Ask your Mom.”
We still get along great but I always let the DIL lead the relationship. Sometimes we’re invited over regularly and then sometimes we really don’t talk for weeks. They know that they are always welcome here.
Sorry, can’t help. I’d love to have my family live nearby and act like family. OTOH, we get along just amazingly well.
” but has had difficulty getting along with her sons-in-law and their families and even with her own daughters.”
Why?
Take her a housewarming gift - maybe a pressure cooker.
Does he have a clear idea of exactly how she misbehaves when interacting with the family? ...Or how they misbehave in interacting with her?
Sometimes we can get into a rut of hurt and angry feelings or unforgiveness with our family members and it just feeds itself in a whirlwind. Sometimes older people who are lonley have impossiblle expectations for their children and grand children. There is always two sides to every story so maybe he has not heard both sides. Are they ganging up on her because that would make her more insecure and more unstable in her interaction with them?
Before she moves she should seek counseling on the issues she faced in dealing with her children so she does not carry that baggage to a new place. Moving is not going to make things all better. She’s going to be lonlier because she will know fewer people.
The situation depends on the dynamics among the three people (husband, wife, mother-in-law). Especially important is the wife’s position: will she work with her husband to present a united front to her mother? Or will she want her husband to adapt to whatever her mother wants to do?
If he is the slightest bit unsure of his wife’s allegiance, he will not have control of the situation. He will then probably be stuck with making suggestions to his wife and then just hoping and watching to see how things develop.
Sounds like he needs a polite way to tell her it’s time for her to leave. Here’s my dad’s line for getting rid of guests who’ve overstayed their welcome: “Well... thanks for stopping by.” He’d would get up and start walking toward to the door as he said this.