Posted on 06/04/2013 3:01:46 PM PDT by ladyjane
I have this problem - with my mother. Difficult, difficult, difficult. Your friend’s MIL blew it with her kids and is now moving on to a new kid. She probably is worried about getting old and being alone. I wish women would realize earlier in their lives that constantly fighting with children leads to this situation. I wish I could help your friend. All I can say is that they need to set boundaries. And get Visiting Angels or some other group to tend her needs.
lol
Very, very wise advice from momtothree.
I just want to add one piece of advice to it: prayer.
My MIL was very underhandedly mean to me. She was very possessive of my husband and any time I could I made him deal with her. She tried to monopolize him but I worked behind the scenes against it.
OMG, you should have seen her, in public she treated me like a queen. There were times when I swore I would never see her again nor ever let my husband see her again but she had one thing going for her...she loved my kids and so did I.
She’s 90 now, has Alzheimer’s and is in assisted living, I am the one who has to deal with everything, her finances, her personal needs, I visit her most often and I still don’t like her, I feel sorry for her but now I do it for myself. Hopefully my example will lead my sons to treat me tenderly even when they are sick of me.
My sons visit her on their own and my grandchildren though snotty teenagers love to go see her. The children of her daughter haven’t seen her in over a year and she helped them out monetarilly all their lives, she paid for college she bought them cars and sent them on vacations, something she never did for my kids because she thought I might somehow benefit from it.
You have FReepmail.
Consider the nuclear option.
Or find her a good man to keep her busy. Pay him if you have to.
Best bet is to try something I heard a friend do. As soon as she moves in, the same day, show up with the whole family and start pestering her about meals. Show up to drop off the grandchildren unannounced. Claim your washer and dryer are broken and show up to do your laundry for the last two weeks while complaining about the lack of good coffee and snacks. Don’t even give her a chance to show up at your place and make sure that you emphasize that you will be expecting her to really jump in there and provide child raising support and financial support when you run a little short. Think of every horror situation that you can imagine and then visit it upon her.
I have this problem - with my mother. Difficult, difficult, difficult. Your friend’s MIL blew it with her kids and is now moving on to a new kid. She probably is worried about getting old and being alone. I wish women would realize earlier in their lives that constantly fighting with children leads to this situation. I wish I could help your friend. All I can say is that they need to set boundaries. And get Visiting Angels or some other group to tend her needs.
I forgot that I am a MIL too. My eldest son and family have lived across the road from us for 16 years. I found that my most important phrase with the grandchildren was “Ask your Mom.”
We still get along great but I always let the DIL lead the relationship. Sometimes we’re invited over regularly and then sometimes we really don’t talk for weeks. They know that they are always welcome here.
Sorry, can’t help. I’d love to have my family live nearby and act like family. OTOH, we get along just amazingly well.
A few years ago, my neighbor's mother moved in with the proviso that she would help with the kids and laundry. Turns out she didn't want to do anything but shop. Out of desperation her daughter sent her to a H.S. reunion. Mom rekindled a H.S. love and withing 6 months the lovebirds moved in together.
I like it!
Can you post a picture here so we can advise you how to proceed? ;-)
” but has had difficulty getting along with her sons-in-law and their families and even with her own daughters.”
Why?
I have always found that the truth is the best weapon and the most unwelcome. It drives away the worst offenders.
Ha! That reminds me of one of the family reunions I went to with the other in-laws in attendance. The blood family always went off together. That’s when I found out, from one of my husband’s aunts, that anyone who married into family instantly became one of “The Outlaws”. I seriously miss that woman for taking me under her wing.
Yeah, my mother drives me crazy sometimes and I get mad at her but I just tell her. She gets irritated with me, too. We work it out.
Thing is my mother cleaned my dirty butt, held a washrag and my hair when I was sick, she got up in the middle of the night when she would have rather slept, she did without sometimes so that I could have something needed.
There is nothing that said she had to, she loved me and just did it. I am lucky I am here to type this because I was such a horse azz at times—she would have been justified in killing my butt. :p She let me live thank God! hahaha!
I owe her the same love back. I don’t always like everything my mother says or does but I always love her and would never push her out of my life. Well, for any length of time. I know when push comes to shove, she’s in my corner. I absolutely love my mother, no matter what.
I don’t face this situation, fortunately! A couple of my friends live on the same street as their adult daughters and families, and it seems to work for them.
There seems to be a rule that the mother/grandmother isn’t allowed to give childrearing advice!
Your brother’s nightmare? How is it working out for him?
Not well. (sorry to be a bearer of bad news)
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