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WTF??? HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court,... word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

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And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.See More

Never squat with your spurs on
Will
Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one
of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.
Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never
kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the
herd.
6. If you find yourself in a
hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest
way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by
observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for
themselves.9. Good judgment
comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.10. If you’re
riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s
still there.11. Lettin’ the
cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.12. After eating
an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up
until a hunter came along and shot him.The moral:
When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut. ABOUT GROWING
OLDER...
First
~Eventually you will reach a point when
you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.Second
~ The older we get, the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for. Third
~ Some people try to turn back their
odometers. Not me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a
long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.Fourth
~ When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.Fifth
~ You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks. Sixth
~ I don’t know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.Seventh
~ One of the many things no one tells
you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being
young.Eighth ~ One
must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.Ninth
~ Being young is beautiful, but being
old is comfortable.Tenth ~ Long
ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it’s called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have
anything to laugh at when you’re old.