I can tell you that after years of trying to conceive on our own and a year plus of failed infertility treatments, my husband and I looked into and pursued many different avenues of adoption.
I can tell you that private adoptions can be and are very expensive, prohibitively so for a lot of couples. The legal fees alone can outrageous and you can spend thousands of dollars in legal fees and medical and living expenses for the birth mother and the birth mother can change her mind at the very last minute or even after you have taken the child home with you. We stared down that path twice and twice the mother backed out with no explanation. That and in going through a private adoption agency, you as the prospective parents are evaluated by the birth mother on things like what sort of income you make, how big and grand your house is, how “attractive” and how old you are; all sorts of things that have little to do with if you would make good parents or not. If you want to adopt a healthy white infant, sadly it is a “sellers market” for lack of a better word. There are so many more couples looking to adopt than there are healthy white infants available for adoption.
And so are some overseas adoptions as far as expense. When my husband I looked into adopting from Central America or Eastern Europe in the early 90’s, it would have required one of us to basically take up residence there in country for several months; something that working class folks like us, couldn’t possible afford in addition to all the legal fees (plus the bribes that have to be paid to the local officials in some countries – Colombia was notorious for this back then plus the fact of staying in Bogata, the drug gangs….no thanks). We knew a couple who adopted a baby girl from Korea back when those adoptions were relatively easy and inexpensive and didn’t require you to travel and stay overseas for several months – they arranged the adoption of their daughter through Catholic Charities and met their daughter at the airport – but Korea put a stop to those adoptions much like Romania and Russia also did around the same time.
We went to a seminar by an adoption advocacy group (FACE - Families Adopting Children Everywhere) and found that most of the people involved were quite wealthy. One woman we talked to bragged about how much the adoption of her 1st daughter cost her, around $40k, how that money was no issue to her and that being a tenured college professor and a single woman BTW, that it was just so easy to take a 3 month paid sabbatical from work in order to travel to Colombia (she was able to write off part of her trip as educational research) and live there while the adoption was finalized. My husband and I looked at each other and figured that she lived in a totally different sort of world than we did.
We then went to Baltimore City were we lived at the time. We were very well aware of all the kids in foster homes, some who were available for adoption so we thought about becoming foster parents first with hopes of adopting. We talked very honestly and openly with each other and with our family about adopting a black or mixed race child and determined that race was not an issue for us, that we could love any child no matter their race.
So we went to a meeting for prospective foster parents/prospective adoptive parents.
The black woman from Baltimore City Social Services was openly hostile to all the white couples in the group. She basically told us that most of the children looking for foster homes in Baltimore City were black or mixed race and they would automatically give preference to black families or even black singles over any white couples. And that she continued to tell us was that being a foster parent was merely a paid job and that foster parents were not to bond with or otherwise become at all attached to the foster children. And as far as adoption, she told the white couples – “Don’t even think about it.” “White couples are not considered as acceptable adoptive parents for black or mix race children”. I stood up and asked this woman: “Is it preferable to you that a child, any child black or white or mixed to languish in foster care, going from one home to another, never receiving a stable and loving home, never to be adopted, even by a white couple?” Her answer was “Yes”. “Foster Care is a job and if YOU are looking to adopt, you’ve come to the wrong place and NO, we simply don’t allow black or mixed race children to be adopted by white parents because it is not in their “best interests” The very few white children in our system already have a long list of parents waiting so YOU and you other you other White Folks here today are wasting your time and MINE.”
We also looked into adopting an older physically or mentally disabled child but honestly, that is not an easy choice to make, and very honestly we decided that we could probably deal with a physical disability over a severe mental disability.
But yet again, our ages (my husband in his mid 40’s by then and me in my late 30’s) weighted against us plus the fact that we had no other children, were not health care professionals nor had any experience in caring for a disabled child, we would have been at the very bottom of any list of prospective adoptive parents.
BTW, I’m not advocating for making adoption so easy as so that anyone can become an adoptive parent, but it is clear to me that large parts of the current system is broken, that the amount of money one can afford or one's political connections often trumps what sort of parent you can be and many children suffer as a result.
Nonsense I have adopted four American black and biracial infants in 10 years without a hitch. Anyone who has problems I will give you my adoption agency’s number.
Oh my gosh! I had no idea what one must go thru in this situation.
I had 3 sons and wanted a daughter. I became a foster parent of a little 5 year old girl from tragic family circumstances. During fostering, we never took a penny offered monthly. By the time she was 9 years old she became free for adoption. We adopted her. She is now 47 years old and a parent could not ask for a finer child. She is one marvelous loving, generous, human being. She has even written a text book used on junior colleges.
I ran into a social worker about 20 years ago who coincidentally had had 3 of my daughters 5 siblings in her care and management. She said that if my daughter wished, she would put her in touch with those siblings. Well, after 2 wks waiting for my daughter to let me know what she wished, I called my daughter and she said she wanted no contact with them. The siblings circumstances at the time were not very ‘glorious’.
I feel so lucky with our experience...and am sorry that your efforts have been so very unfortunate. I admire your stamina and am flummoxed at the attitudes and roadblocks you have encountered.