Posted on 03/27/2013 6:19:46 AM PDT by SeekAndFind
It wouldn’t surprise me to learn she had an abortion as a young woman and the effect of the procedure left her unable to bear children.
I can tell you that after years of trying to conceive on our own and a year plus of failed infertility treatments, my husband and I looked into and pursued many different avenues of adoption.
I can tell you that private adoptions can be and are very expensive, prohibitively so for a lot of couples. The legal fees alone can outrageous and you can spend thousands of dollars in legal fees and medical and living expenses for the birth mother and the birth mother can change her mind at the very last minute or even after you have taken the child home with you. We stared down that path twice and twice the mother backed out with no explanation. That and in going through a private adoption agency, you as the prospective parents are evaluated by the birth mother on things like what sort of income you make, how big and grand your house is, how “attractive” and how old you are; all sorts of things that have little to do with if you would make good parents or not. If you want to adopt a healthy white infant, sadly it is a “sellers market” for lack of a better word. There are so many more couples looking to adopt than there are healthy white infants available for adoption.
And so are some overseas adoptions as far as expense. When my husband I looked into adopting from Central America or Eastern Europe in the early 90’s, it would have required one of us to basically take up residence there in country for several months; something that working class folks like us, couldn’t possible afford in addition to all the legal fees (plus the bribes that have to be paid to the local officials in some countries – Colombia was notorious for this back then plus the fact of staying in Bogata, the drug gangs….no thanks). We knew a couple who adopted a baby girl from Korea back when those adoptions were relatively easy and inexpensive and didn’t require you to travel and stay overseas for several months – they arranged the adoption of their daughter through Catholic Charities and met their daughter at the airport – but Korea put a stop to those adoptions much like Romania and Russia also did around the same time.
We went to a seminar by an adoption advocacy group (FACE - Families Adopting Children Everywhere) and found that most of the people involved were quite wealthy. One woman we talked to bragged about how much the adoption of her 1st daughter cost her, around $40k, how that money was no issue to her and that being a tenured college professor and a single woman BTW, that it was just so easy to take a 3 month paid sabbatical from work in order to travel to Colombia (she was able to write off part of her trip as educational research) and live there while the adoption was finalized. My husband and I looked at each other and figured that she lived in a totally different sort of world than we did.
We then went to Baltimore City were we lived at the time. We were very well aware of all the kids in foster homes, some who were available for adoption so we thought about becoming foster parents first with hopes of adopting. We talked very honestly and openly with each other and with our family about adopting a black or mixed race child and determined that race was not an issue for us, that we could love any child no matter their race.
So we went to a meeting for prospective foster parents/prospective adoptive parents.
The black woman from Baltimore City Social Services was openly hostile to all the white couples in the group. She basically told us that most of the children looking for foster homes in Baltimore City were black or mixed race and they would automatically give preference to black families or even black singles over any white couples. And that she continued to tell us was that being a foster parent was merely a paid job and that foster parents were not to bond with or otherwise become at all attached to the foster children. And as far as adoption, she told the white couples – “Don’t even think about it.” “White couples are not considered as acceptable adoptive parents for black or mix race children”. I stood up and asked this woman: “Is it preferable to you that a child, any child black or white or mixed to languish in foster care, going from one home to another, never receiving a stable and loving home, never to be adopted, even by a white couple?” Her answer was “Yes”. “Foster Care is a job and if YOU are looking to adopt, you’ve come to the wrong place and NO, we simply don’t allow black or mixed race children to be adopted by white parents because it is not in their “best interests” The very few white children in our system already have a long list of parents waiting so YOU and you other you other White Folks here today are wasting your time and MINE.”
We also looked into adopting an older physically or mentally disabled child but honestly, that is not an easy choice to make, and very honestly we decided that we could probably deal with a physical disability over a severe mental disability.
But yet again, our ages (my husband in his mid 40’s by then and me in my late 30’s) weighted against us plus the fact that we had no other children, were not health care professionals nor had any experience in caring for a disabled child, we would have been at the very bottom of any list of prospective adoptive parents.
BTW, I’m not advocating for making adoption so easy as so that anyone can become an adoptive parent, but it is clear to me that large parts of the current system is broken, that the amount of money one can afford or one's political connections often trumps what sort of parent you can be and many children suffer as a result.
If she buys a baby in Kenya... he/she can grow up to be President!
LLS
What did Howdy ever do to you? ;-)
LLS
Hell, Slick, check around. Pretty sure one of your wild oats has some sprouts of their own.
People are much older when begining a family. Women should be starting pregnancies between 18 and 22 for optiomal fertility. Male fertility worldwide is diminishing and the thought is that the culprit may be the plastics in our environments.
It's no fun to find that out after trying.
Nonsense I have adopted four American black and biracial infants in 10 years without a hitch. Anyone who has problems I will give you my adoption agency’s number.
You are talking about an adoption agency, I presume a private adoption agency, probably like the one my cousin adopted her two black and one biracial children from. I was talking about Baltimore City Department of Social Services. I agree that what they told us was "nonsense" but that is what they told us Again, we looked into private adoption and found, at least back in the early 90's that it was quite expensive and more than we could afford at the time. Your experience might have been different.
Won't her husband bed her, or didn't the turkey baster work? Her failure to get pregnant is probably more related to the fact that she doesn't want to put on weight, and end up looking like her mother does today. Might as well provide her mother with a little black grandbaby to parade around during the 2016 campaign.
Never, ever go to the government for your babies. They play games.
Private agencies all, costs between four and twelve thousand each. adopted in the ninties. Should be less now with the big adoption tax credit.
I am shocked Chelsea just didn’t marry herself a black man if she wanted a black child. Her dad is the first black President...and her big fanny would be quite desirable for young black man...just sayin’
The world can survive without Clinton spawn.
Your children and grandchildren are truly blessed. Hubby and I are there for the family and they even call my MIL Grandma!!! They have in us a place they can feel at home.
Take care, friend. You are truly one of God’s Gifts to our earth.
Oh my gosh! I had no idea what one must go thru in this situation.
I had 3 sons and wanted a daughter. I became a foster parent of a little 5 year old girl from tragic family circumstances. During fostering, we never took a penny offered monthly. By the time she was 9 years old she became free for adoption. We adopted her. She is now 47 years old and a parent could not ask for a finer child. She is one marvelous loving, generous, human being. She has even written a text book used on junior colleges.
I ran into a social worker about 20 years ago who coincidentally had had 3 of my daughters 5 siblings in her care and management. She said that if my daughter wished, she would put her in touch with those siblings. Well, after 2 wks waiting for my daughter to let me know what she wished, I called my daughter and she said she wanted no contact with them. The siblings circumstances at the time were not very ‘glorious’.
I feel so lucky with our experience...and am sorry that your efforts have been so very unfortunate. I admire your stamina and am flummoxed at the attitudes and roadblocks you have encountered.
As I mentioned earlier up thread, two of my cousins were adopted. One of my cousins, the one who decided to adopt, adopted 3 of her and her husband’s 4 children, decided to seek her birth mother. They have now been in contact for several years and she has met others of her “birth” family and not long ago went to a “family reunion”. I know that hurt her parents, especially her mother, but my aunt has tried to be understanding.
My other cousin however, married and with two children, has absolutely no interest in seeking or knowing anything about his birth mother or birth family. As far as he is concerned, his parents are his parents and are his only parents and that we are his only family. Interestingly his wife was also adopted as a child and she feels the very same way. Ironically my female cousin with her blond hair and blue eyes looks more as the rest of us in our family do with our Norwegian/Viking heritage. My male cousin, well, there is no other way to say it, he looks Jewish and there is some indication that indicates that his mother was Jewish and possibly his father too, although he might have been Italian. He even jokes about it sometimes but he, rather than his sister who actually has some Scandinavian heritage by birth, is really into the family genealogy and our Scandinavian roots and culture. He and my brother and I have talked about taking a trip to Norway someday to see where my father and our grandparents were born.
I feel so lucky with our experience...and am sorry that your efforts have been so very unfortunate. I admire your stamina and am flummoxed at the attitudes and roadblocks you have encountered.
It was frustrating but things have a way of working out the way they are meant to. I couldn’t become a mom and my husband I divorced in 2004 after 20 years of marriage, although we are on quite friendly terms now, but I am an aunt and great aunt and I love that role. My niece and nephew are close enough to me in age that they are more like younger siblings and their kids: 8 and counting including a set of triplets, bring so much joy to my life.
I am so happy for you and your daughter, you are both blessed.
Back in the early 90’s around the time when my husband and I were looking to adopt, an overseas adoption from Korea or Russia or Romania was in the four and twelve thousand range and didn’t require travel or staying in country for several months but then those countries were shutting down a lot of those adoptions around that time, especially those that were affordable through religious orgs like Catholic Charities. We didn’t belong to the Catholic Church or any organized church for that matter so that made it a bit even more difficult.
We spoke with several private adoption agencies regarding domestic adoptions and while some were in that range as far as the legal fees, several told us to expect around 20k when all was said and done and they were also a lot more restrictive. My husband was in his early 40’s by this time and we were told that was a strike against us – it wasn’t that my husband’s age was a bad thing per se but that the waiting list was so long and there were so many couples looking to adopt, that that was just one of the criteria that they used to shorten the list. It wasn’t that we were told that we couldn’t adopt but that it would be more difficult and could take longer.
We were also very middle income, middle class, lived in a very middle working class neighborhood and we both worked fulltime and neither of us had college degrees and that, we were told was something that many birth mothers in open adoptions, open adoptions being more the norm, take into consideration.
Another obstacle in our way was that my husband was a recovering alcoholic. He had been sober for over ten years by then, had no criminal record and was very active in his recovery program and in helping others, including young people get sober, but again, while that could have been seen as a positive, it was, as we were very frankly told, yet an obstacle against our favor. And our location was another problem. We lived in Baltimore City at the time and were told that this also made it more difficult; for one thing while there were more children, there were also more prospective adopted parents; and that since many of the surrounding areas were wealthy, especially the wealthy suburbs around DC, that also meant more “competition”. And that is how my whole impression of the process was: a “competition”, and not all that much unlike a robust real estate market.
We were very willing to find a way to come up with anywhere from the four to twenty thousand dollars or more as we really wanted a child, to give a child a loving home, but the reality was that we could spend thousands of dollars, do things like place ads in papers across the country and work with private lawyers and private agencies, pay for medical expenses for the birth mother with no result just as we had not all that long before spent thousands of dollars out of our pockets on infertility treatments with no results.
Never, ever go to the government for your babies. They play games.
Sad isn’t it.
Ironically at the time my husband and I were still looking into adoption, I was working as a finance manager for a private social work agency and that company ran a not for profit foster care agency that specialized in hard to place foster children. These were the kids who came from the very worst possible of neglegful homes, the most unimaginable cases of neglect, physical and or sexual abuse, drug abusing and or prostitute mothers, fathers in prison or more often than not -unknown, the step fathers, uncles, boyfriends, even some of the foster parents who, well, it was horrific, the cases I learned about – the stuff of nightmares. These were the kids that no one wanted and were so damaged and fractured in their very young lives that only the very few, those with a lot of training and patience could deal with and even then, only for a time. And even then, as dedicated as some of these foster parents were, it was a paying job to them and these kids were often shifted from one home to another and then another, only adding to their problems and feelings of abandonment. I used to have to bill the City of Baltimore, Baltimore City Schools for social work assessments we performed on a contract basis and I used to get copies of these reports in order to do the billing. I used to read them sometimes until I couldn’t read another single one – it was just too depressing.
I talked with the manager of the foster agency about becoming a foster parent and she actually tried to talk me out of it. She told me “We want our foster parents to care but to not get too attached. You have to understand that Social Services can decide at any time to place the child back with his or her mother even if that is a very bad idea or with a grandparent who isn’t prepared to care for such a child and he or she will end up back in foster care before long. But if you allow yourself to get too attached or even worse, you allow the child get too attached to you; that’s not good for either of you. We want caring competent care takers and nothing more. I think you want to become attached, you want a child of your own and we can’t give you that.”
It broke my heart.
But then one day as I was in my office, one of these foster kids, who was in a respite care day camp, a way to care for these kids so the foster parents could attend additional training classes or just get a break, walked away from the group and walked into my office, locking the door behind her. She was about 8 years old, a beautiful looking child. She picked up a pair of scissors off a desk in the front of the office and walked toward me with the coldest and deadest eye’s I’ve ever seen, looked me straight in the eye and with the scissors in her hand raised, walked up to me and said, “I’m going to stab you. I’m going to kill you. I’m going to watch you bleed.”
She held me hostage for about 15 minutes until, after I calmly picked up the phone and called for help while speaking to her very calmly and in a non-threatening voice, someone came to unlock my office door and a team of social workers physically restrained this 8 year old girl. I later learned she was taken to a mental hospital, not her first trip to one BTW, that she had a long history of starting fires, of cutting herself, pulling her hair out, and of physically assaulting and attempting to sexually assault other foster children in the homes she had been sent to, the some 15 different foster homes BTW that she had been to since she had been found as an infant in a rat infested apartment, half starved with a sour bottle of empty milk and a diaper that hadn’t been changed for at least a week and signs that she had been sexually assaulted.
I often wonder what ever happened to her. I sadly think nothing good. Some twenty years later, it still haunts me. I often wonder if she had been placed for adoption when she was found, just as an infant; to a loving and caring couple, a stable home; black or white, if that might have made any difference in her life or if she was already too far gone and damaged by then.
All I know was that during this time, when my husband and I looked into adopting through Baltimore City Department of Social Services, the very same agency that was running advertisements about how they had children looking for adoptive parents, that we as a white couple were told we were not deemed suitable.
Never, ever go to the government for your babies. They play games.
Yea they do and it’s the children in their "care" that seem to lose this "game" every time.
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