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I used to be a loving idiot. I became a paranoid cynic as a result of the Clinton reign of terror. I have gotten worse every year since then.

I was born a loving idiot. Life has pummeled me into a paranoid cynic.

I spent 7 years in San Francisco passing panhandling bums daily. Hourly. I became deeply jaded. I hit the point where I gave to nobody, and I do mean NOBODY and that has been my policy ever since. I would gladly help those in need but most are scammers and I don’t have the skills to recognize the ones who truly need.

My line became the same with every bum. “I don’t give money to anyone anymore. There are a lot of cheats who are just scamming. I’m sure YOU aren’t one of those and you really need the help, but I just can’t tell anymore so I just don’t give money to anybody anymore. It is a shame because I would love to help those who really need it, but I’ve been scammed so many times, I just can’t tell who needs it anymore. I’m sorry.”

That was my usual line but I could be mean when in a bad mood, which was often in Kommunist San Francisco.

One morning a guy begged for money and I just lost. I said:

“I’m not going to give you any money. You know why? Because you are ugly and if I give you money, you will just be here tomorrow. Now if you were a hot blonde woman in a bikini, I would give you $5 because I would want you to be here tomorrow begging for money. But you are ugly, and I don’t want to encourage you to be here tomorrow.”

And just walked away. Let me know if he ever picks his chin up off the ground. He had anger in his eyes but it was over-ridden by shock. I’m sure that was one he never heard before.

I finally got scammed a month back at the grocery in my current little town of Yuba City, hour north of Sacramento. I took it willingly and still hate myself for it, but what the heck.

Some middle eastern woman towing two young kids gave me a sob story about her husband leaving her suddenly and the children had no food to eat.

Me: “Sorry, I don’t give money to anybody. I can’t tell who’s scamming me. I’m sure you’re not but”

So she goes on begging.

Me: “If your husband just left you, why aren’t your cabinets still full of food?”

More excuses from her about how they’ve eaten everything in the house.

Me: “You and those children can qualify for $800 in food stamps and I’m sure you have a friend who can show you how. There is no way you are going to starve in America.”

More song and dance. She was good. She never dropped character, had a ready excuse for everything and the two doe-eyed daughters played their roles, just silently hanging on to their mother’s hand while she played me like a finely tuned violin.

I couldn’t shake her for the life of me and I honestly can’t say if I paid her off just to shut her up and get rid of her, or if I cracked and felt their might just be some TINY TINY remote impossibly miniscule possibility there was a hint of truth behind her entire riggamarole.

Anyway, I cracked. I said OK, and she was all “God bless you” and “you don’t have to give me money. Come in the store and watch me shop. I just need it for food. Come in and watch. God bless you.”

Yada.

I took out something like $80 and gave it to her and she is thanking me saying “come into the store”.

Anyway, all the time that she is working me and I’m starting to crack I’m telling a dirty crook and a no good liar and a bad example to her daughters, and that she is evil for making me feel guilty about her while she is robbing me on a scam. I tell her that on the 1% chance she really desperately needs this help then please accept my apology and I feel bad about ever doubting you, but I know in my heart you are a low life scum scammer, but you are hell of an actress because you were able to put a percent doubt in me, and if you are cheating me like I know you are, then I hope you burn in hell and your children are punished too.

I left and didn’t bother going into the store. I know she was just a no good lying scammer and I didn’t need her to go through the entire act of doing her normal grocery shopping just so she could make like her kids were honestly in need of food.

I’m sure she has pulled this off dozens of times and I’m sure she has found that none of her marks are willing to invest 20 minutes following her around the store for the lousy $10 they invested in shutting her up.

I’m still mad at myself for giving in to her scam, but she was very good. Very convincing. A natural actress.

Last time I found a con-man actress that good was 10 years before in Bakersfield when some woman scammed me out of $20 saying she needed gas to visit her dying cancer-ridden brother in Los Angeles.

Both were similar. Dirty lying scammers preying on my good nature, but both so convincing that I just couldn’t be 100% sure I was being conned. Only 99% sure and in both cases I caved on the 1% chance they were telling the truth.

Incidentally, the Bakersfield con is what lead me to change my policy and tell every panhandling bum, “I never give money anymore. Sorry. I just can’t tell who really needs it and who is scamming me. But I’m sure YOU really need it.”

Yeah. Sure.