IBTP
top 5
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! TOP TEN!!!!!!!!!!
Obama looks at him and says; “Well last year when we were in Hawaii the girls were out in the ocean and a big wave came up and began to carry them out. Before we could react Ole Bo here jumped in the water and pulled them both to safety”
So Joe says “That is interesting Mr. President, but why is the Dog missing his back legs?”
“Well you see earlier this year when Michelle and I were spending a weekend in New York City this mugger tried to get Michelle and even before the secret service could react ole Bo took a bite out of that mugger and sent him to the hospital.”
Again slow Joe asks; “Mr. President that is very interesting, but why is he missing his two back legs?”
Obama just scratches his head and looks at Biden and says “Joe you just don’t get it, a dog like that, you don’t eat him all at once.”
Whew! Made it to Friday.
Top 20? :=)
Top 20!
President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”
Obama: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!”
Cashier: “Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”
Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank that I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier: “I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Obama: “I am urging you, please, to cash this check.”
Cashier: “Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?”
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do.”
Cashier: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”
A new guy buys a farm that has a sow...he knows nothing about pigs. He asks his neighbor what to do with this sow. His neighbor says, bring her over and breed her to my boar, then you will have piglets.
So he loads her up in his wheelbarrow and hauls her a mile to the neighbors. He keeps this up for awhile, and his back is starting to get pretty sore.
He knows nothing about pigs, so everyday he’s checking to see if there are any piglets yet.
One morning he is just so tired he can hardly move. Dreading the 2 mile walk hauling that sow. So he asks his wife to have a look out the window and see if she spots any piglets.
The wife says no.....
but the sow is in the wheelbarrow.
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear”.
“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder”.
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,
“They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir”?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: “I should be in charge, because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”
“I should be in charge,” said the heart, “because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you’d all waste away.”
“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy.”
“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal.”
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss,
The Moral of the story?
Even though others do all the work, the a$$ hole is usually in charge.
Tobacco Smoke Enemas (1750s – 1810s)
The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes, primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims.
A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke towards the rectum.
The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration, but doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase “blow smoke up one’s ass.”
This has been reintroduced in Washington D.C. , by the Obama Administration. It will be part of the New Health Care Program.