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10 Ways That Obama Has Brought Us Out of the Dark and Into the Light

Weird soundbites coming out of this campaign.

Like this oddball statement from the First Lady:

[Michelle] Obama closed by asking the audience three times, “Are you in?”
“Because I am so in,” she said over the applause. “We have an amazing story to tell. This president has brought us out of the dark and into the light.”

Now generally that’s a metaphor for something GOOD happening to you, but given Barack’s unmitigated record of disaster, it can’t possibly be true in this case. So maybe she meant it like:
______________

1) The obvious death-metaphor of “walking toward the light.”

2) Train tunnel. Train coming. Obama likes trains.

3) Sunny, breezy, summer day. The roof of your house blows off.

4) Meditating with a single candle. Your curtains catch on fire.

5) Sleeping peacefully at 3am, the EPA exercises a no-knock warrant by throwing a flash-grenade through your window to remind you to use compact fluorescent bulbs.

6) You’re an old-school vampire and your name’s not Blade.

7) “You develop your own film? Cool! Let’s have a look at what’s soaking in the tray!” [click]

8) Out parking with your best girl and Officer McNosy puts 1500 lumens into your eyes.

9) Anyone remember the end of “Stalag 17″?

10) Oh look! Cyclops took his visor off!

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I’m doing...

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, “Hey, are
you two ladies from Scotland?”

One of them chirped: “It’s WALES you friggin’ idiot!”

So, I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are
you two whales from Scotland?”

That’s the last thing I remember...