Barak and Michelle are at the World Series Game 6. They are sitting in the
> first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the
> Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Barak. At first,
> Obama stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and
> shakes his head “no”.
>
> The agent then says, “Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the
> entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy.”
>
> Obama hesitates ... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him
> the fans would love it!
>
> Obama shrugs his shoulders and says, “Ho-Kay! If that is what the people
> want. C’mere Michelle baby...” With that, Obama gets up, grabs Michelle by
> her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right
> over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming,
> “Barak, you “!^$#@&!”
>
> The crowd goes absolutely wild.. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering,
> hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Obama is bowing, smiling, and waving
> to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, “How about that. I would
> have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that.”
>
> Noticing the agent has gone totally pale in the face, Obama asks what is
> wrong.
>
>
> The agent replies, “Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first pitch
And in 2012 Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say ?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn’t help but send this along. Too funny...
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
———————— -————————————————
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
******************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant, who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and the loaves of bread on the top shelf behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder.
To reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends, he decides he’d better get two loaves, as he’s having company.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notice what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread too.
After many trips she is tired and irritated & begins to wonder, “why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?” Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is it raisin for you, too?”
“No,” stammers the old man, “but it’s twitching a little.”
If bullcrap were music Obama would be a brass band:
Obama: ‘If I had a son, he’d look like Trayvon’
An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says
she’ll see him later and walks away.
... The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in
the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank
accounts. But.... The decision is all yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Tony?” asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” she replies. ; )
There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”
Answered the jury foreman: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”
TOP 55! YY, me!
Next year's starting lineup will be Bryant Favors Gay Love Sessions.
They are all about to sneeze! And by the way...... YOU Need Help
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar.
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How’s the singing career going?”
Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”
Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right, now.”
Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”
Incredulous, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?”
Stevie says, “Yes, I’ve been playing for years.”
Tiger says, “But — you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”
Stevie Wonder replies, “Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”
But, “how do you putt” asks Tiger.
“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice.”
Tiger asks, “What’s your handicap?”
Stevie says, “Well, actually — I’m a scratch golfer.”
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”
Stevie replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?”
Woods thinks about it and says, “I can afford that; OK, I’m game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?”
Stevie Wonder says, “Pick a night
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said...
(You’ll love this...)
(I know you will...)
.
.
“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”
Saturday tagline change bump....