"You guys got any of them milkshakes that my wife Moochelle likes to drink...can I have mine with a straw?"
Nixon,Clinton and Obama die and go to heaven.God is in a chair judging them.Nixon says I’m sorry I lied.Clinton says I’m sorry I cheated on my wife.Obama says get out of my chair.
There were four of them. You forgot the h*mo.
Two Irishman walk out of a bar.....................no, really, it can happen.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before:
Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender.
The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini.” The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “168”. The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says,” What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini”. Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini”, and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “Uh, about 50.” The robot leans in real close and says, “So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?”
Musta been a gay bar…
Guy goes to his doctor with a bad stomach ache.
Doc says, “go to the window and stick your tongue out”.
Guy complies and after awhile and finally asks, “this is a strange treatment. Will it really help my stomach?”
Doc says, “no, I just don’t like the guy across the street”.
Guy says to his therapist, “doc, you gotta help me. I don’t know if I’m a teepee or a wigwam”.
Doc says, “the problem is you’re too tense”.
A neutrino walks into a bar.
(Generic joke I use to annoy my wife when she accuses me of being funny...)
Three guys walk into a bar.
“Ow!”
“Ow!”
“Ow!”
You’d think the third guy would have noticed.
A young boy goes up to his father and asks him, ‘Dad, what is the difference between “potentially” & “realistically”?’
He thought for a moment, then answered, ‘Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’
So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’
The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!’
The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’
The girl replied, ‘Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?’
The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’
‘Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know what a million bucks would buy?’
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’
The boy replied, ‘Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a queer.
Obama walks into a bar, got a great big colorful parrot on his shoulder.
Barkeep walks up and says,”Man, that’s really cool. Where’d ya get it?”
Parrot says, “Africa. There’s millions of ‘em.”.
One day a man went to see his doctor complaining about severe migraine headaches.
After a long examination the doctor told the man that somehow his balls were pressing very tightly against the base of his spine and this was causing the man to have migraine headaches. The doctor concluded the balls would have to come off.
The man thought this was rather drastic, so he went to another doctor for a second opinion.
“Your balls are pressing up against your spine causing the headaches,” said the doctor, “The balls will have to be amputated.” Finally the man decided to have the operation. He went to the first doctor and had it done.
Two years passed and the man was walking down the street when he came across a tailor’s shop. Wearing the same thing he had been for years, the man decided to go in and get some new threads. The tailor took one look at the man as he walked in and said,”I’ll bet your pants size is 36x32.”
“That’s amazing,”said the man,”how on earth did you know?” “I get paid to know these things,” replied the tailor.
After he was fitted in pants the tailor looked at the man and told him exactly what his shirt size was without measuring him once. “That is just too cool! How did you know?” asked the man. “I get paid to know this kind of stuff.”
Pretty soon the tailor had the man decked out in a full 3 piece suit with a rather smart hat to go with it all. Not once did the tailor measure the man for his clothes. “I get paid to know these things,”is what he would say.
After all that the man decided he wanted some new underwear to make him comfortable in his new suit. “I’ll bet you wear 36 medium,” the tailor said, eyeballing the man. “HA! You’re wrong!” said the man, “I wear 34 medium!” “That’s ridiculous,” replied the tailor,”if you wore size 34 medium underwear, you’d press your balls way too tight against your spine causing severe migraine headaches.”
Joe Biden walks into a bar...and wakes up in the hospital with a concussion.
Guy walks into a bar...
http://news.yahoo.com/deputies-man-returned-beer-bank-robbery-105014656.html
The first guy reaches into his wallet and begins to count out $100 bills. He stops and says to the guy, “Ya know, how do I know that you're not just going to use this money to gamble with?”
The other guy says, “Oh, I have gambling money”.
When the man starts to leave the bartender says,"Are you going to leave that lying there?"
The man then says,"Thats not a lion,it's a giraffe."
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