(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)

Obama walks into a bank and presents a check to cash.

The teller asks for ID and he says, “uh it is not necessary for me to uh carry ID, I am the uh president of the United States.”

The teller says “anyone can just walk in here and claim to be someone but our policy says we have to be able to identify you somehow.” After a moment the teller suggests a solution. “A guy walked in last week with the same type deal and said he was Tiger Woods but had no ID, so we just set up a 35 yd putt out here in the lobby and he sunk it perfectly so we knew he was who he claimed to be. What can you do that any person who walks in off the street can’t do either physically or mentally?”

After a long uncomfortable pause, Obama says “uh nothing I guess.” The teller replies “Do you want that in large or small bills sir?”

Football player signings in last week’s supplemental college draft.
________________________________

Wayfron P. Jackson:
6’ 6”, 215 lbs. Wide Receiver.
Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years.
Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet.
Currently holds world record for the most “you knows” during
an interview (62 in one minute).
Wayfron can print his complete name.
Signed with Tennessee.
________________________________

Quinticious Jenkins:
6’ 3”, 220 lbs. Running Back.
Set state scoring record out of Triton High School, Dunn, N.C.
Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions.
He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with
a 19” TV under each arm.
Signed with Mississippi State.
________________________________

Roosevelt “Dude” Dansell:
6’ 1”, 195 lbs. Running Back.
From Tyler, Texas. Has processed hair does a creditable imitation
of Billy Dee Williams.
Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change
colors to chartreuse and pink.
Listed his church preference as “red brick”.
Signed with the Louisiana State University.
_____________________________

Woodrow Lee Washington:
6’ 8”, 310 lbs. Tackle.
At 19 he’s the oldest of 21 children. He has a manslaughter trial
pending, but feels he will be found innocent because “The dude
said somethin’ bad ‘bout my Momma.”
On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20-20.
Signed with the University of Arkansas
________________________________

Willie “Night Train” Smith:
6’4”, 225 lbs. Quarterback.
Thinks the “N” on Nebraska ‘s helmets stands for “Nowledge,”
but still meets this school’s stringent entrance requirements...
Insists on wearing Number 32 jersey since it matches his score
on his SAT’s.
Signed with the University of Alabama.
________________________________

Tyrone “Python” Peoples:
6’10”, 228 lbs. Wide Receiver.
Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none
of his other 9 victims will file charges.
Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges,
but was also willing to sign with us.
Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company.
Signed with University of Georgia
________________________________

Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali:
6’10”,305 lbs. Guard.
Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion.
Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville...
Doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fear” (nor the meaning of many other words, either).
Signed with the University of Florida.
____________________________________

Welcome all to higher education.
____

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective
nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not ....... a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington

I looked this up and it’s VERY true! Other terms used to describe a group of Baboons are: Troop, Tribe, and Flange.

I think Congress is by far the best description.

Why Athletes Can’t Have Regular Jobs

1. Outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
“I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.”

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

“I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skin’s say:

“I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,”

Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:

“He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings..”

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:

“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :

“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”

(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:

“You guys line up alphabetically by height..”

And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:

“Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?
He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .”

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:

“That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of
heavyweight Andrew Golota:

“He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

” My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

“I asked him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’

He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’”

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told
a player who received four F’s and one D:

“Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:

“ I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious. ”

15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips:
“She is too ugly to kiss goodbye.”

The Best Smart Ass Answers of the year!!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
‘Would you like dinner?’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
‘What are my choices?’ John asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead...’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’
The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

AND NOW, THE SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR !!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

PS: A BONUS
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

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