WooHoo!! 3-day weekend!!!
About retirement…
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break
.
Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.
Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this “all-girls” trip.
It will be my first one, - and I can’t wait!
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2,600 lives.
Twice
Top tip: if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it’s so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it’s not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck.....I appear in court next Monday.
A fat girl served me food in McDonald’s at lunch time. She said, ‘sorry about the wait.’ I said, ‘don’t worry, you’re bound to lose it eventually.’
I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair of jeans that said, ‘Guess.’ I said, “I don’t know........maybe 350 pounds.”
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”
Years ago it was suggested ‘that an apple a day kept the doctor away.’ But since many doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best.
I have rubber received one that was accurate ☺
Subject: FW: What is a Red Neck (Alabama Style)
Over the past few months, I have come to know Loretta Gillespie, a writer for the Cullman Times and the Moulton Advertiser (near Decatur, AL), and when I read this article that she wrote in the Moulton paper last week, I asked her if I could share it with our readers. She and her editor gave approval to reprint the article, so I hope this helps give some recognition to some of our neighbors to the west and some of Alabama ‘s unsung heroes during and after the April 27th tornado outbreak:
Moulton Advertiser
Loretta Gillespie
May 7, 2011
“I Love Me Some Rednecks”
“Most all of us around here have born the brunt of remarks from people outside Lawrence County about being rednecks. Well, I’m here to tell you right now that I love me some Lawrence County rednecks!
Rednecks have Polan chainsaws, bulldozers, four-wheelers and big ol’ trucks - and they know how to use ‘em. They aren’t afraid of getting dirty or of hard work.
As soon as the wind died down, they were the first ones out there, clearing the roads for emergency vehicles to get to where they needed to be. They were standing up to their knees in debris so that people could get out of their driveways. They were checking on neighbors who lived in the hardest hit areas where cars and normal vehicles didn’t stand a chance.
If you were the victim of the storm and found your driveway miraculously cleared, you can thank a redneck. If you have a brush pile a mile high and you didn’t do it yourself, you can thank a redneck. If someone brought you a shirt to put on your back that day, or hauled your furniture to a storage facility, you can probably thank a redneck.
Those good ol’ boys waded through water filled with gas and glass, nails and torn tin roofs and no telling what else, to offer assistance to people stranded in the rubble of their homes. They wore camo jackets and John Deere caps, spit tobacco and more than likely did a little cussing, but they got the job done, and they are the ones who are still out there cutting up trees and burning brush long into the night, just as they have been ever since the storms hit.
They didn’t wait to be asked...they just ‘got ‘er done’ in the true sense of the phrase. They didn’t stand around jawing and waiting for someone else to take charge, they went to work doing what they do best - moving earth, pushing aside massive trees with root systems as big around as a VW, and tossing aside boards with splinters the size of kitchen knives.
And they did all this without any thought of their own comfort or safety. They put their scuffed cowboy boots and worn work boots on the ground and tread across roof beams and unsteady floors to make sure there was no one left inside the wreckage of everything from two-story brick houses to mobile home and barns. They already had a flashlight and a pocket knife with them. They rounded up their neighbor’s cattle and horses and coaxed kittens out of trees where the wind had tossed them and they cried like babies when they found someone’s hunting dog broken and bleeding.
They waded into poultry houses and caught terrified chickens, and tossed mountains of dead ones onto piles to burn. They began to hang tarps and nail plywood over broken windows to save their cousins’ and other kinfolk’s belongings. They didn’t stop for hours on end, hooking chains to cars, trees and any and everything that had landed helter-skelter as the tornados tore through.
Rednecks just show up when there is work to be done. They drive up and with a silent nod, they just pitch in, salvaging refrigerators and hooking up generators. They don’t care if they look cool and they don’t have to shave before they leave the house. They are tough as nails and love their mamas fiercely. They still say ‘Yes, ma’m’ and ‘No, sir,’ to anyone older than they are. They eat cornbread and pinto beans and drink tea so sweet a spoon will stand straight up in the glass. They sweat and swear and have grease under their nails sometimes. They can deliver a calf and half an hour later be sitting in church, scrubbed to a fare-the-well. And did they ever save the day when the thunder rolled and the lightning flashed and the wind knocked down the houses where they were born?
They don’t do it for the glory, and wouldn’t dream of taking a dime for it, and are sometimes even offended if someone asks how much they are owed ‘cause that’s what rednecks do — they drive loud trucks, bobcats and front-end loaders, they crank cantankerous chain saws and they know the feel of rope burns and blistered faces. They get those red necks from the sun beating down relentlessly as they labor in the dust and smoke from all the brush fires. They think sun-screen is for sissies and they don’t worry much about anti-bacterial soap or drink fruit-flavored water.
Give me a Lawrence County redneck any day when trouble comes — when fences get blown over and the lights go out, and there are trees and houses strewn like matchsticks as far as the eye can see; what in the world would we do without these rednecks? Thanks to all of you dear rednecks; you deserve medals for what you have done in the past few weeks. And don’t think the world didn’t notice, they did. In fact, somebody is probably writing a country song about you as you read this.”
I hereby propose we start calling liberals “D-Baggers” in response to the “tea-baggers” term used for the Tea Party movement.
Plus, since they ARE d-bags, it fits.
If I have to explain it, well.....
