Forgot My Glasses
Yesterday my daughter asked me why I didn’t do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. So I did and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, “Are you nuts? You’re 70 years old and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She took it, looked at it and then said to me, “For heaven’s sake, you must have forgotten your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!”
I’m in trouble again and don’t know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.
“I never went to the prom, which was probably for the best because the only person who asked me to go was the janitor.” -Jimmy Kimmel
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“Country music resonates with Scottish people — getting drunk, getting your heart broken, and getting drunk again.” -Craig Ferguson
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“Subway sandwich shops are testing out several upscale restaurants called Subway Cafes. They feature wood paneling, lounge seating, and other things to distract you from the tuna fish being served with an ice-cream scoop.” -Jimmy Fallon
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A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes.”