Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
You and your sister reign when it comes to Anti-Dimensional Appliances. I’m still in awe, even after all these years!
She now has a blue Fish of Warding that keeps appliances from attacking.
He does quite an impressive Threat Display.
“Fish.. IS ANGRY!” and he fluffs his fins out.
So far everything has behaved.
We shall see how long the truce lasts.
Would that be a betta that is Displaying Threatening Behavior? I envy you both the Fish of Warding.
That is exceedingly small consolation. How will I be able to explain my bent halo?
The same way I explain mine: I never said I was perfect. I only said I was fun... ;o]
Maybe I need a Fish of Warding for the laundry room. I’m thinking of redecorating in there once DP has a new job. One of my friends in Oklahoma, who was German, had her laundry room painted deep red with Black Forest style stenciling and shelves for all her German collectibles. I just have clutter and lots of lint.
I could paint it bright peach and put up my Friends of Scouting license plate collection.
My daughter did her laundry room in “Kitschy Seashore.” It worked for her. Shells, nets and fishy things abound.
I’m all for utilitarian ~~ I don’t want to live in the laundry room...just make things clean!
My next-door neighbors (the Carters, with the pool, on the east side) did their upstairs hall bathroom in “Kitschy Seashore.” Cute, but I like bathrooms to be blank.
I don’t want to live in the laundry room, either, but I pretty much do. Ursula used to hide from her kids in hers, and think about Germany. She also had a very luxurious bathroom with a full glass-block wall and a tub I could float in. It was basically the same model of house as the one we owned in Broken Arrow, but her husband was good with construction stuff, and she was Arty. Her little girl who was Elen’s friend had a “Princess Jasmine” bedroom, with the walls all painted in Arabian Nights.
Nice if you’re never going to try to sell the place!
If I ever had a place of my own, I’d see that glass bricks were in many places to let the light in. But not necessarily the laundry room. In, load up, out, in, unload, out, etc.
My bathroom in Germany had the biggest tub I’ve ever seen. Too bad I’m not Independently Wealthy...
I don’t see having a skylight in the laundry room, either ;-).
One of my stops took my by a Borders up north that's closing, one of two right now. The clerk said after that two more will close; I hope the Redmond store isn't one of them.
Think of all the books on sale....
It’s still ugly here. I went out early this AM but I’m glad I didn’t insist on working outside. I would have hated me.
Laundry rooms are strictly utilitarian. Nothing homey about them at all. They are a convenient necessity. Period.
Buying a book from Amazon just isn't the same.
I know. I always liked the local bookstores, before the big chains took over the market. At least I knew my money was staying in town.
I’ll buy books wherever I can, and if that means Amazon, then so be it. I can afford the books from there.
In the meantime, I’m off to bed.
My tired is bigger than my enthusiasm.
Tomorrow!
G’night!
Good night.
Good Night
Pan to a silhouette of house behind a darken sky.
Good Night John Boy
Good morning. Some mammals and I are awake.
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