Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
Excellent news!!
We had another earthquake today.
4.3 about 60 miles from here.
Fingers crossed!
Thank you all. He expects to have more interviews this week and early next week. Lowe’s Hardware is still in the running - they’re offering a lot of money plus an employee discount at “the toy store.”
We’ve uncancelled our vacation, for now. The owner of the beach house says we have plenty of time to decide if we can make it. Week of Labor Day again, Anoreth.
LOL, talk about a toy store for men.
In my house it only comes second to Canadian Tire.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2Kzgs-cRgY
Great commercial. I’d love to have that garage. Ours is a disaster.
I’d like to have a garage. ;-)
Oh, wow. I can see that, especially with your snow issues.
I'd like to have a garage in which I could park my truck. *\;^)
You haven’t installed that “low-rider” equipment yet?
We’ll see. I don’t know if we’re supposed to be underway or not. If nothing else, I’ll come between patrols and before school, but I’ll do my best.
If you have time off another time, maybe we can go to Lake Norman. If it’s not during what the schools call summer, rental rates are cheap.
I often feel earthquakes that are much farther away. But that’s probably because I sleep on the floor.
Anything damaged? I mean, besides your peace of mind?
Wow. Employee discount for toys for big boys. What a bonus!
Here’s hoping!
I'd like to have a truck.
That’s such silly piccie! LOL!
It reminded me of Jake. He always looks like he thinks he’s getting away with something.
Ya gotta love it! the Great PV was the same way. He’d get that wide-eyed glaem, and you just knew you had the get the camera out.
Tell James his card came today. I’ll get a little Thank You off to him.
I still have the punies, but for now, it’s mostly the chills and no appetite.
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