Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
"Do you have a recipe or two? I'm the keeper of the Weekly Cooking Thread here and that would be a hoot and a half :)"
OMG! Don't go there! Every time you turn around, half of your ingredients have disappeared.
One of the biggest concerns I've been able to glean from the dross of media "reporting" is that one of the rods failed to retract causing it to partially melt in place. That is going to be a mess to clean up...
Morning. I think.
Still not feeling all that well, but I’m here, for now.
I've also reworked the firepot and blower to give me a more consistent heat. I can hold a decent welding temp now. That opens up a lot more possibilities for creating misshapen lumps of steel later on... :-)
Seems appropriate. I’m gone, for now.
Make sure the latches on the cages are secure.
Had a weird dream.
I had “St Remy 102” burned into my left arm on the inside of the bicep.
And apparently I was considered intellectual property.
Truly bizarre.
Probably some strange story material in there, but I’ll let it sit for now.
They should be.
If you see Neanderthal Bunny wandering around, don’t worry.
They’re still herbivores at that stage.
Weird stuff.
I have to take Elen back to the doctor today. The staph crud isn’t getting better, and she also has poison ivy. You’d think, after about ten times of this, she would stop touching things in the woods and/or keep her hands off her face. But no ...
Maybe she just likes the attention.
(Who SAID that???) [looking around the room]
Impetigo was fun.
I can still recall the smell of the old vaseline like neosporin at will.
Because I had it packed up my nose.
I considered that. But honestly, is weeks of itching worth it? She’s going to end up with scars on her face eventually, and there goes her modeling career.
Oh, egad. Elen’s is on her arms and hands. The topical antibiotic isn’t doing the job. I expect she’ll need a shot today, followed by a course of oral antibiotics. Sigh.
Off to the races. I’ll report back later.
The incessant itching was maddening.
I was 5 at the time, but still have sinus problems leftover from that.
I probably should have been on antibiotics, so Elen will be doing vastly better than I did.
[The doc philosophy bck then was different from now on such things. And poison ivy with staph crud, that’s worse.]
Some people have to learn the hard way. I don’t know why that is, but they seem to think the consequenses of the actions don’t apply to them.
I hope Elen doesn’t suffer too much with this rash/outbreak/thingy.
Today... March 14th, at 1:59PM, it will be Pi day. Celebrate this joyous occasion.
How could I have missed this in the past?
I must have been wary of the coming Ides.
I’d only worry about the Ides if your best friends name is Brutus...
Do they go well with bacon?
My dog likes bacon.
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