Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
My sister lives in Martinsburg takes her kids to a school in Maryland , works in Virgina and commutes less than I do. I have my choice of these states to be picked up in.
I did commute to Downtown LA for a few years on the train. I enjoyed it because only a few people had cell phones then no including me and it was a place where I could not be reached.
I talked with a group of train friends which included. A retired sheriff deputy that was the the division commander for the sheriff unit involved in the Rodney King case. His unit didn’t make as much news as the LAPD. A bailiff for the bankruptcy court. The guy that bought garbage cans for the city of Los Angels. And a guy who lived in various counties in Europe and had a long but unnecessary story for now but was vary entertaining while on the train ride. It was about the time he was called in to customs to explain why he was shipping three porcelain toilets with his other stuff when he returned from Europe.
If you don’t drive, or don’t want to drive, the commuter rail links from BWI can get you there, eventually.
It may even be fun, and not too expensive. They are commuter lines, so they only operate during the week.
If that works out for you, check the scheduling carefully. It looks as though some routes only run once a day. You wouldn’t want to miss it.
One thing you need not miss is dinner. Timbuktu is not far from BWI, and neither am I.
I can see to it that you get to and from the restaurant if that’s what you want to do.
Invitation open to others too. Y’all stop by now, y’hear?
OMG! The wiener’s STUCK!
Would need a bit condom, er, condiment to cover that.
Yep. I have a sweatshirt with them on.
Bought the book on John Adams, having finally remembered that I wanted it. I’ve read about 70 pages. Very well-written. I’ll probably have it halfway done by tonight. Always interesting to find that other people in the world buy as many books as I do.
Yikes, I’d fit in.
“When I reanimate as a zombie, I’m gonna eat your brains, and your brains, and your brains, and your brai..”
“Who are you talking to? There’s only one person here!”
“*Burrrble* Brains!”
Monday, invented so that mankind knows the true meaning of “AUGH!”
Quite.
I have a runny nose, a sinus headache, and a bad case of the Get-Me-Out-Of-Here. How u?
That’s depressing. At least things are in color, here. That reminds me, I need to go open the blinds upstairs so Jake and Susan can have Sunbeam Time.
At least the video is entertaining.
Especially the part where he gets tossed over the edge with the flare in his hand.
Gives me an idea for a scene.
Sounds fun.
I need to go to Walmart.
I probably should lay down just in case I get called in.
Some of the rivers north of me are set to peak above flood stage at 10.
I have no idea if I will be needed.
*unngh*
Monday. Wind. Blahs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNwQdRqOiNI
An Error in my genesis.
*heh heh heh*
It could be flooding.
Off to owrk: a couple of children are still missing.
I’ve got that here, but I don’t have “Famine” and “Fire” like LA did three years in a row.
I think the song “Haunted” by Poe would suit King of Shadows, a.k.a. book three featuring Karsh Kentu.
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