Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
So, your eyes still work. ;-)
I’ll get it threaded eventually.
I think I’ve had my current bifocals nearly two years. Tom and I are going to the eye doctor on Friday, so we should have new glasses in a couple of weeks. His have taken a lot of abuse!
Next I’ll need to take Elen: she’s the age I was when I first needed glasses.
Has Elen picked her frame shape yet?
I really like the rectangular ones.
If she needs glasses, I’ll let her pick out the frames, within a reasonable price range. Tom has small rectangular ones, and he has light-sensitive lenses, but he says he doesn’t want those again, so we’ll save some money there!
Them there Breastomatic's work like that?
Yes, but to tell the truth they were Slim Pickens.
I might go check ourta Toastmasters tomorrow.
Sure. But not the coffee cake ones. We got two bazillion boxes of those last summer during the patrol and didn’t even finish them until Christmas.
I got mine. The blanket is added to the others I bought. And my turtle, Juri.
New Turisas album is finally out! I’m cheating and listening to it on Youtube, but you should definitely tell me when you get the box I ordered...
It’s very WWI-like, in my opinion, more than the last two which were definitely set in the 16th century. Quite interesting. I like it.
Also bought tickets for Comiccon this weekend. Me and and OS2 are going Sunday.
Yes, it’s truly amazing. No intelligent operator required.
You’ll have to give us a full report on Comic-con. My cousin Meghan’s husband runs an auction business for geeky-stuff. He’ll probably be there. If I remember his last name, you could introduce yourself, tell him you’re his cousin, and make him buy you a Diet Coke!
Will peanut butter sandwich cookies be acceptable? They’re easy to ship because they’re not sensitive to heat and cold.
Maybe the package bunneh will be here today.
But that’s what I said yesterday, too.
Ohfecute!
Yeah.
Remember, it’s a Parcel Post bunneh. The next one will be Priority Mail.
It’s OK. It gives me something to look forward to. :o]
NASCAR is in town. I would love to watch the Hauler Parade, but it doesn’t start until 6:00PM, and that’s just way to late for me.
:^)
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