Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
Will she be in the hopital long?
They can always be scooped out....
Yes, his brother lives only a few blocks away, so he can be a lot of help. And I don’t know how long she’ll be in the hospital; I think his brother said over a week, but that’s not very specific.
We’re out of food, again, and Sally is throwing up. I need to get her that “build your immune system” supplement: she comes down with *everything*, even worse than Pat, since he’s begun eating.
Poor Sally. What kind of stuff do they sell for immune system supplement?
Speaking of immune systems...the doctor filled out my forms and as soon as I can come up with the FedEx letter money, I’ll send it off. (YAY!)
I only came down with the big stuff when I was a kid ~ measles, chicken pox...I didn’t have mumps, though everyone else in the family had it.
I think it’s mostly Vitamin C. We got some a few weeks ago when they were out of the multivitamins we usually get the kids. (Washing her hands more often would be good, too.)
DP is off to interview with someone, in his Real Suit. I had to put Ash in her crate so she wouldn’t get nose-slimes on him.
Mom was in hospital 10 days, then needed to go to a hospice because she needed 24 hour care. She was supposed to be there for 7 weeks, but she ended up being there for 10 weeks because of our health care system. She had rehab for two weeks, and then they sent her home. If Betty has broken the bone, they may try to mend it, or they may decide to do a replacement. I think I heard that recovery is quicker with a replacement.
Does she have health coverage?
If you can get Sally to wash her hands more, would you mind telling me how? I’m still working on my kids!
I’m sending up a little prayer for DP. I mean, if he’s wearing his Real Suit, he needs some Real Help. :o])
That’s a long time to be recovering. That would drive me nuts!
Or the parents could just eat them.
Good Luck DP!
It does contribute to feelings of frustration, that’s for sure.
I don’t know how active your mother was before her fall, but I know when I was forced to change everything about my life, I was extremely angry.
There are still days when I feel that way. I’m sure your mother feels “cheated” of her activities. She will eventually adjust.
That’s what I am hoping for. Thanks for your insight.
He’s wearing his Real Suit because it’s an old Southern manufacturing company, not a Nerdly outfit.
I bought some new clothes for James and Vlad; now I need to go see what else is needed. James had nothing decent to wear, but Vlad gets all surviving hand-me-downs, and Pat often wears the same sizes as James. Off to investigate their drawers; I probably should wear a gas mask ...
Just remember it will take time. She will resist, thinking this is temporary. The main thing is to help her learn what she CAN do, not think about what she CAN’T do any more. Or not as well.
And try to be patient with her. It won’t be easy at times, but she will respond to it eventually.
And I’m always here...
I know. Thanks!
*HUG*
No thanks necessary. Just keep me posted how she’s doing.
Byos clothing activity complete. Pat needs a second polo shirt for semi-dressed-up purposes, and he and James will each need a pair of summer pajamas. And they’ll need some new socks.
Bill and Tom are being required to clean up their clothing and do their math lessons, even though Bill wanted to do SAT prep and Tom wanted to lie on the sofa reading a novel. Sigh.
Byos will be byos...
I’m glad they don’t need anything more serious than a few socks and some pj’s.
As for the bigger boys...well, they ARE bigger!
!
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