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Hi James,
A number of suggestions have been given and there is probably not pick-one-only issue but since you do live by yourself I would recommend caution on anti-depressants as you have no one who is around you every day to serve as an observer and confidant.

I have seen these medications be of great help, but I have also seen people have trouble with them and generally they themselves are the last to know. If you do take them it should be with trained medical counseling and weekly in office visits due to the lack of a day-to-day family member to be an observer.

I am heartened that you have had hundreds of encouraging replies, many of which from those who have gone through trying times like these and found an end to the tunnel you see yourself in at this point. I hope that this aspect of the thread lets you know that after a period of time you will reach a better point in your life. I thank you for the great complement of trusting us with this venting vanity. I hope we have earned it in some small measure.

One of the simplist was the suggestion to get a dog. That might amaze you and there are dog agencies that might let you have a return policy if you find it doesn’t suit your position in life.

Best wishes.

You think they’ll let me charge headlong into a burning building like a complete dumbass to drag people out? :D

Well, if they do it like my department does it, they send you through a 3 month class, then limit you to outside work until you've had enough experience being around fires and the situations that they would trust you with interior work.

Speaking from experience, even helping out with the hoses, air bottles, etc. and getting the firefighters back to work is rewarding.

We were in a training class last night and a major fire broke out in an apartment building. I got to help out and it was fun. Then another fire this afternoon in a vacant building. Even when not on shift, I'm allowed to show up and help out--even encouraged to do so.

And if *I* can do this, I know you can.

Wow, James, isn’t it amazing the variety of responses you have gotten here? I read the beginning of the thread earlier today at work while I was really busy, and I posted a little something, but I thought about you and this thread all day. In a weird way, it was inspiring for me.

You made a difference for me today just by posting this thread and being so generous with your feelings. I hope you come away from it knowing that what you have going on is universally human, and there are so many ways to change it, heal it, and turn the corner.

Everybody’s an expert because we all have what you have to some extent or another. I could really relate to the whole go to work, come home, sleep, get up and do it again. But I really try to just be the best person I can be (which sounds so stupid when I type it), meaning I try to reach out to other people, send cards when they are sick, I ask people how they are doing and then I wait around for their answer instead of just blowing past them. I try to let people know I am really listening and that it matters to me.

By trying to help other people I get out of myself a little, and maybe I can relieve their distress even for a moment. There have been many times when a caring person made a huge difference for me just by being there for me even a little.

I get a lot of comfort knowing that none of us really knows what the hell they are supposed to be doing. It is amazing any of us get through life. Really. So I just show up for life every day and do the best I can. And I try to be humble and grateful for what I have, even making a list sometimes. You would be amazed how helpful that can be.

I hope you start to turn the corner soon, but when you wake up in the morning and get ready to do it all over again, please try to remember that you helped me today with your honesty. You seriously made a difference. Thank you.