Posted on 02/12/2011 1:44:03 PM PST by se_ohio_young_conservative
As many of you know, my mom was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer last fall. I have been here with her and I will be here with her every step of the way. Thanks to those of you who have offered prayers.
The strange part about all of this is the reaction of some of my friends. Some are people I have known well since HS or before. Some are friends of the family for years and know my mom very well. Some online friends as well. Its almost as if some of my friends are avoiding us. Not returning phone calls. Acting nice when they see me in person but never checking in. The only thing I can think of is that they don't know what to say. Other than that, I have no idea.
I have wonderful support from my family and the friends who are staying in touch. But it still gets lonely at times. and nights can be quite sleepless.
That sucks. I wonder if you could call around to your friends, and maybe just gently let them know that they needn’t avoid you, that you really could use the company, and that anything that takes your mind off and gives you a break is so worth it to you. Maybe try to help them help you?
Thats an idea. yes. I don’t want to seem like im begging them either though. ill think about it
Don’t worry. Some people can’t handle illness especially of those they know.
My best friend is dying of breast cancer, it is now in her liver, bones and brain. I know there are days I am not sure if I should call as I know she is so tired. I have told her to call me whenever she needs help and thankfully she does have a good base of friends that are helping. However, another friend who is terminally ill told me that most of her friends disappeared when they heard her diagnosis. I think you need to reach out and let people know that you do indeed value their friendship. Sometimes people just are unsure what they can do.
Yeah, I know, you don’t want to beg, but hey, cut yourself some slack. You’re going through a tough time. It’s a one shot deal. You deserve a little help. If your guess is they feel uncomfortable/don’t know what to do, then call em up and ask for what you need. “Hey, can you come hang out with me and watch a movie? It’d really mean a lot to me.” Just thoughts. Good luck.
The reality is that actually their are very few people that will walk through a tragedy with you. At the core, the has feeling for you but they are absorbed into their own lives and very few people have to honor in friendships to carry each others burdens. Sad but true.
Hang in there. The same happened to us when my husband had cancer and also when our son had a brain cyst. This experience will separate the “men from the boys” in terms of your friends - and you will likely never look at the world with the same eyes again. Meanwhile, is there someone you can talk to about this? A cleric, a good friend, or someone? Sounds like you need and will be needing lots of emotional support in the months to come. God bless you!
Those who do not know what the afterlife brings are often very uncomfortable with talking about death.
Prayers for you and your Mom!
I am sure some of it is awkwardness - not knowing what to say and if they spend much time with you they can’t think of anything else to talk about - since talking about their lives and problems would seem callused and trivial.
Your priorities in life have changed - you are focused on your mother - her illness - her doctor’s visits, her blood test numbers or whatever - it is your life now.
When you go through something like this you MUST be just a tad selfish or you will go crazy - get out and ask a friend for a specific event (not open-ended visit) - a movie, lunch or just coffee. Think of topics to talk about beforehand.
Always hope for the best but..from someone who lost her husband and my every minute for a year was devoted to him - it hit me very hard (afterward) because I felt lost - all that intense focus and then no one to focus on.
Clear your mind now and again - pray - take a brisk walk.
My thoughts to your thoughts - I will be thinking of you.
I suggest you call one of your closer friends and invite them to lunch.
The reality is that people care but it is also uncomfortable, they don’t know what to say or how to act. They don’t know if they are interrupting your life or enriching it. You can help by letting them know.
IMO, Some people are very uncomfortable about illnesses. They so fear their own mortality, that they can’t watch another person have to deal with theirs.They don’t want to think about it, they’re too scared.
Alternatively, some really just don’t know what to say or do to help. They might be afraid of saying something wrong.
I felt useless when my uncle was ill. I decided to help pay for his hospice care. Then I felt useful. Still sad and worried but at least I did something.
I had breast cancer. Less then a year after I was diagnosed I was sitting by the bed of a younger women who was dying of it. I even noticed the nurses not treating her like she was a real person. Not mean but, just sort of impersonal. It truly saddened me. Even if you don't know what to say, just go and sit, hold the persons hand. Do whatever you can to make them comfortable. I actually took this woman's arm and took my finger tips and just gently ran my fingers up and down the inside of her arm. It seemed to help her. When I was a kid I remembered me and my gf would do this, it was real relaxing we'd both almost go to sleep.
By the way, I’m sending a prayer up for your mom right now.
If I can make a recommendation, please call people and ask them to visit- they usually will and the more they visit, the more they will realize how important it is for all parties and restart the relationship.
I am thinking many of those people believe you may not have time for chatting with them about less serious, more mundane living stuff. If you let some of them know perhaps they will get in touch again.
I think a number of the responses you’ve already received are on the mark: most people DO care about your situation, but don’t know how to show it, or what to say. I imagine most of us have been in that situation ourselves: we didn’t know just what to say. I’ll tell you what works for me. I say, “I don’t fully understand what you’re going through, and I don’t know exactly what I should say to you, but I think too much of you to not say anything.”
You’ve stated the truth, acknowledged the problem, and I’ll bet they will remember what you said. It nearly doesn’t matter what you say, unless you say nothing at all.
Sometimes I tell a person in such a situation that I wish I could take half the burden with them. Of course, both of us know that it can’t be done, but they appreciate your willingness to do so if you could.
My friend is in the same situation and I have similar concerns. I have sent her cards because she can read them when she is feeling like it and I know that I am not disturbing her rest.
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