Replies

Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the freak he wants.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris’ sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s freaking beef.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take sh!t from anyone.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano
If you play Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never freaks up.
Chuck Norris doesn’t pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not “attempt” murder.
In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.
When God said, “Let there be light”, Chuck Norris said, “say please.”
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn’t even in a bowling alley.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a freaking Jeep.