Posted on 12/02/2010 11:26:45 AM PST by hawkins
“Darling, does this outfit make me look fat?”
One of my wife’s friends is getting married this weekend. My mind drifted back to when my relationship was young. If I had only been given a list of what not to say in certain situations, my life would probably have been a lot easier. The ailment is often called, “Foot in mouth disease” and a scripture explains: “…no one can tame the tongue, it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison.” Well, while it’s true, that no one can control the tongue perfectly, I suggest trying duct tape and keep it quiet as frequently as possible.
Oh if we could take back words which have left our mouths. Sometimes, these words are said in jest, sometimes seriously, however, regardless of how they were sent, it doesn’t mean they will be received in the same manner. Here are some words I have heard over time and I myself won’t admit to having said:
“[insert here] is woman’s work.”
Any sound imitating a truck backing up…
“Is your mother coming over again?”
“Oink Oink”
“Get those bare feet back in the kitchen where they belong…”
“My mom could teach you how to cook better.”
“You never miss a meal do you?”
“I had a girlfriend who wore something like that…”
“Does your family tree have any branches?”
“Having a bad hair day?”
“I’m the man that is why…”
“Did you do anything around here today?”
“I bought a book on dieting for you.”
“It took you an hour to look like that?”
These are phrases guys just say sometimes without thinking. It isn’t something said in anger, it’s insanity. Keep a handle on what you say men. There are going to be times when you are angry and during that time insanity will try to multiply. You think you are going to one up anything your wife says or that you are going to put her in “her place”? Nooooooo! Don’t ever let those words escape your lips. The Bible says: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;” Listen to what your wife has to say. Be patient, considerate, and deliberate in what will come out of your mouth afterward.
There is a reason women like the strong, silent type. When we aren’t silent, we tend to get ourselves in a heap of trouble. Consider the great battles that have raged over time because rash words were spoken. Ask yourself if having the last word is really worth the pain it will cause. I guarantee she will deal better with your silence than you will when she gives you the silent treatment. The best advice I can give a young man entering into the marriage covenant comes from an inspired source:
Psalms 141:3 – Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!
Full list please?
Curb and Your Dog
I allow my wife to wear socks in the kitchen.
Geez, I’m not a monster.
And an apron when she’s frying stuff...
Shall never meet.
“Did you do anything around here today?”
___________________________________________________________
I asked that once. She had done stuff. I heard all about it. Then I heard about a few things that I hadn’t done around the place.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
so they can stand closer to the sink.
Mark Gungor - Men's Brain Women's Brain
You'd pay good money for that, wouldn't you?
Here's another (I've got about 5 responses for this one, and they all work:
She (moodily): "What are you thinking about?"
He: "You know, I was thinking about the day I first saw you in that (restaurant/cafe/movie theater/beach/party/barbecue/strip joint) and how you just took my breath away, and how amazing it is that you can still do that now".
And what better way to say, "I love you" than, with the gift of a spatula?
My husband has it figured out, whenever I start getting annoyed he comes at me with guilty remorse with.."I know, I'm such an a@@-hole." After so many years together this one really works, I can't help laughing.
A link to an old Dave Barry column and a long excerpt:
http://homepage.eircom.net/~odyssey/Quotes/Modern_World/Dbr.html
Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking...so that means it was...let’s see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
My mom’s back used to hurt so badly dad would have to hold her up while she mopped.
I tell her to just sleep in the apron so she can jump up and fix breakfast without delay.
(This is getting ugly).
Did Elaine ever have a horse?
What are 'oxymorons', Alex?
The joke at our house is “When I get home from work I want it hot and on the table. And I’m not talking about dinner.”
LOL!
Joan Rivers recalled that one night she and her husband were in bed and she was feeling bored so she asked him to talk dirty to her.
He replied, “The bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen floor, the hall carpet, the windows....”
;^)
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