Posted on 07/14/2010 7:51:16 PM PDT by Judith Anne
Here’s another:
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I THINK IT IS REMARKABLE THAT WITHIN A WEEK OF TIGER WOODS CRASHING HIS ESCALADE, THE PRESS FOUND EVERY WOMAN WITH WHOM TIGER HAS HAD AN AFFAIR IN THE LAST FEW YEARS, WITH PHOTOS, TEXT MESSAGES, RECORDED PHONE CALLS, ETC.
AND, THEY NOT ONLY KNOW THE CAUSE OF THE FIGHT, BUT THEY EVEN KNOW IT WAS A WEDGE FROM HIS GOLF BAG THAT HIS WIFE USED TO BREAK OUT THE WINDOWS IN THE ESCALADE. NOT ONLY THAT, THEY KNOW WHICH WEDGE!
AND EACH AND EVER DAY, THEY GIVE AMERICA MORE UPDATES ON HIS SEX-REHAB STAY, HIS WIFE’S PLANS FOR DIVORCE, AND HIS PLANS TO RETURN TO THE PRO-GOLF CIRCUIT.
OBAMA HAS BEEN IN OFFICE FOR OVER A YEAR NOW, AND THIS SAME PRESS STILL CANNOT LOCATE OBAMA’S OFFICIAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE, OR ANY OF HIS PAPERS WHILE IN COLLEGE, OR HOW HE PAID FOR A HARVARD EDUCATION, OR WHICH COUNTRY
ISSUED HIS VISA TO TRAVEL TO PAKISTAN IN THE 1980’S AS BARRY SORETORO AND EVEN MICHELLE OBAMA’S PRINCETON THESIS ON RACISIM. IT JUST CAN’T BE FOUND.
YET THE PUBLIC STILL TRUSTS THAT SAME PRESS TO GIVE THEM
THE WHOLE TRUTH . . . TRULY REMARKABLE!
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My friend Pat went to the doctor for a checkup.
Doctor told Pat that he had to reduce his daily alcohol consumption by 20 %.
Following the Doctor’s orders exactly, he immediately switched from 100 proof to 80 proof.
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My friend Mike went to the same Doctor for a checkup.
Doctor told Mike his liver was shot and he had to quit drinking.
Mike had that blank look in his eyes so the doctor says, “let me show you what I mean”
Doctor produces two 7 ounce tumblers - 1 is filled with water, the other is filled with gin.
Doctor puts a grub worm in the water glass and the worm just starts swimming around.
Doctor puts another grub worm in the gin glass and the worm dives right to the bottom - dead.
Doctor looks at Mike and asks...”So, what does this experiment suggest to you ?”
Mike ponders a good long minute and responds “If I drink gin, I wont get worms”.
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Thank you very much, I’ll be here all week !
Try the liver, tip your waitress and have a safe drive home.
A busload of trial lawyers going over a cliff with one seat empty.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
A woman goes to the doctor, comes home and tells her husband ‘Well Dr. Thomas told me today I have, as a 65 year old woman, the breasts of a 21 year old.’
Husband: ‘Well, what did he have to say about your 65 year old ass?’
Wife: ‘Oh, he didn’t ask about you time.’
An old one:
A doctor says to his patient, “Mr. Jones, I’m afraid you have a tapeworm.”
Mr. Jones replies “Oh no. Does that mean I have to take some pills?”
The doctor says, “No. I prefer to use an old tried-and-true method.” The doctor then hands Mr. Jones a package of Oreo cookies and says “Here. I want you to insert one cookie as a suppository each day at exactly 3:00 pm for nine days, then on the tenth day, came back to this office at 2:45 pm.”
Mr. Jones looks confused, but takes the package. He returns in ten days at 2:45pm. He tells the doctor “I did what you said. I put a cookie in my rear end every day at 3 o’clock for nine days. What now?”
The doctor instructs Mr. Jones to drop his trousers. The doctor looks at his watch, then reaches into a drawer and pulls out a hammer. As the clock hits 3 o’clock, suddenly a huge tapeworm sticks its head out of Mr. Jones’s rear end and says “Hey, where’s my freakin’ cookie?”
The doctor then smashed it in the head with a hammer.
Middle-aged man walks through the park and sees a punk sprawled out on a bench. The youth has one of those spikey, rainbow-colored mohawks. The man walks up to him, staring intently right into his face.
After a few awkward moments, the punk breaks the silence. “What’s your problem, old man?”
Man replies, “Back in ‘89, I got falling down drunk and had sex with a peacock. I’m just trying to figure out if you’re my son.”
Re Michelle Obama’s thesis. Mrs. Obama’s 1985 thesis at Princeton University. Its title (rather limited in scope, given the author and the campus) is “Princeton-Educated Blacks and the Black Community.” http://www.scribd.com/doc/2305083/PrincetonEducated-Blacks-and-the-Black-Community
To describe it as hard to read would be a mistake; the thesis cannot be “read” at all, in the strict sense of the verb. This is because it wasn’t written in any known language. Anyway, at quite an early stage in the text, Michelle Obama announces that she’s much influenced by the definition of black “separationism” offered by Stokely Carmichael and Charles Hamilton in their 1967 screed Black Power: The Politics of Liberation in America. I remember poor Stokely Carmichael quite well. After a hideous series of political and personal fiascos, he fled to Africa, renamed himself Kwame Toure after two of West Africa’s most repellently failed dictators, and then came briefly back to the United States before electing to die in exile. - Christopher Hitchens
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL!!!!
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'
Here’s another one:
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A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one..
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don’t Mess With Mature Ladies
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Cheer:
Rah! Rah! Ree! Kick ‘em in the knee!
Rah! Rah! Rass! Kick ‘em in the OTHER knee!
That is worthy of a cut and paste to email to friends...thanks..
I bet you’ll like this one:
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Saying Grace In A Restaurant
Last week, I took my children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, ‘God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!’
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, we heard a woman
Remark, ‘That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!’
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, ‘Did I do it wrong? Is
God mad at me?’
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my son and said, ‘I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.’
‘Really?’ my son asked.
‘Cross my heart,’ the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), ‘Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.’
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, ‘Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already.’
The End
I love this story!
Please keep it moving.
Sometimes, we all need some ice cream..
I hope God sends you some Ice Cream today!
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She thinks it over and admits that she would, for a million.
He reaches into his pocket, pulls out all his cash, and says, "How about doing it for... $47.50?"
Affronted, she draws back and says "What do you take me for??"
He says, "Oh, we've established that. Now we're just haggling over the price."
I used to work for Domino's Pizza. Those little packets of crushed pepper came to us in a box.
On the side it said 'Crushed Red Pepper'.
On the top it said 'Do Not Crush'.
at a V.A. hospital, a gentleman was being taken via wheelchair for some tests. the orderly notices a tattoo on the mans knee. curious he asks “ what is that tattoo?” the veteran says “its a banjo”. “why”, asks the orderly, “do you have a banjo tattooed on your knee?” the veteran says with a smile, “ i’m from alabama.”
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