Joke Thread

various | July 14, 2010 | various

[luvie]

The Silent Treatment:

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[Lady Jag]

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap. That must be my husband!"

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"

The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"

And then the fight started.....

[wideminded]

What do you a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

Blindi

[momto6]

Hope this helps.

Who hasn’t done this?!
All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless hair removal: the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now.... The Wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home, fixed dinner for my family and got everyone settled for the night. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.

I made sure no one would need me and I could head for the bathroom in peace. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever). No muss, no fuss.

How hard can this be? I mean, I’m not the girliest of girls but I’m mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You’d think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It’s two strips facing each other, stuck together. I’m supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax. I go one better. I pull out the hair dryer and heat the wax to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my butt.

(Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)

I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling in the world, but it wasn’t bad. I can do this! So with my next wax strip, I’ll move north.

After checking on my beloved family again, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my yoohoo and stretching up into the inside of the right butt cheek.

(Yeah, it was a long strip.)

I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind from the pain! ....... Vision returning.

Oh crap. I’ve managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP!

Everything is swirly and tie-dyed. Do I hear crashing drums?

OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy — my wax covered strip that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medalist.

But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone?

Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?

Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.

I see hair — the hair that should be on the strip.

I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout Nooooooo!!

I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake — up until this point, you’ll remember, I’ve had my foot on the toilet.

I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor.

And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Yoohoo? Sealed shut.

Butt? Sealed shut.

A little voice in my head says, “I hope you don’t have to crap anytime soon. Your head just might pop off.” I, penguin, walked around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next.

Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand and get in. The wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?

Wrong.

I get in the tub — the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment — and I sit.

Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.

So now I’m stuck in the tub — literally!

I call my friend, Liz, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It’s never good to start a conversation with “So my butt and yoohoo are stuck to the tub.”

She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the butt. “Are we talking cheek, here?” she asks. She isn’t even trying to hide the giggles now.

I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. “You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we’d just put
them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know.

You’re going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth.”

While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girlie goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!

In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to Other subjects!) I find the lotion provided with the wax to remove the excess.. I rub some in and start screaming “It’s working! It’s working!” I get hearty congratulations from Liz and we hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there. So I shaved the darned stuff off. Heck, I was numb by that point anyway.

I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.

Never know when a moustache might start to come in.

Tonight, I attempt hair dying.

[OB1kNOb]

A Russian scientist and a Czech scientist apply with the American government to study grizzly bears in the Alaskan wilderness, and get approval to conduct their study. They fly to Alaska and set up base camp in the wilderness. A week goes by and Federal officers decide they better go check and make sure the scientists are ok and are where they are suppose to be.

The feds come upon the base camp and see that everything is torn up. The tent is ripped to shreds and bloody. A large male and smaller female set of bear tracks are found leaving the camp area. Fearing an international incident, the feds panic and go searching for the grizzly bears. They come upon the female grizzly a couple of miles into the bush and shoot her. They cut her open and find the dead Russian scientist in her stomach.

The first fed, obviously badly shaken turns to his partner and says, "Oh, my Gawd! Do you know what this means?" His partner, staring intently at the carnage, says very somberly, " Yes, I know exactly what this means. It means..... the Czech is in the male."

[RinaseaofDs]

Bookmark

[Lady Jag]

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?


still no idea

[IrishPennant]

A tad off color, but one of my favs for as long as I can remember...

Little Ernie and Johnnie awoke one Saturday morning and made their way to the breakfast table. Mom, wooden spoon in hand and donning her pretty apron asked,

"Ernie, what would you like for breakfast, dear?"

Ernie replies, "I think I want some of those really good mutha-f&*king eggs you make, ma."

Mom gasps, takes a step back and whaps Ernie on the top of his head with the spoon as hard as she can..."Don't you ever say that to me again, young man! We will talk more about this after breakfast.

Now, Johnnie, what do you want for breakfast?"

Johnnie thinks for only a moment before looking at his mom straight in the eye and replies, "I ain't really sure ma, but I'm thinking I better not ask for those mutha-f&*king eggs."

[P.O.E.]

Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their DNA.

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Q. Why did President Obama feel it was necessary for him to apologize to the world and to degrade the United States?
A. Jimmy Carter had laryngitis

Q. Why is the healthcare plan called ObamaCare when he is exempt from it?
A. Shaddup.

Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself?
A. Because it would be racist.

So, a polar bear walks into a bar with a salmon under his arm and he says to the barman "Do you sell fish cakes?" and the barman says "Yes we do". So the bear says "I'd like to order one please"

[GOYAKLA]

Two four year olds before playing in a puddle took their clothes off to keep them clean.
As they saw their differences the little girl remarked” I always wondered about the differences between “Catholics and Protestants!”

[Kickass Conservative]

A guy dies, ends up at the Gates of Heaven and St. Peter greets him. The guy is really confused and asks where he is. St. Peter tells him, you died are at the Pearly Gates.

The guy can't believe it and he is as excited as he can be. He asks St. Peter, so what's the deal? Confused, St. Peter asks what he means. The guy says, there has to be a catch.

St. Peter says, no catch, but you do have to spell a word in order to enter. The guy gets really nervous and says, I was a terrible speller. St. Peter says, don't worry, just spell Love. Love? L-O-V-E!

St. Peter congratulates the man and then goes over to a ringing telephone next to the Gate. After his conversation, he comes back and asks the man if he can watch things for a little while because he has to run up to the big house to talk to the Lord.

The guy says, what do I do if someone comes along? St. Peter says just do the same thing I did with you and then he hustles off to his meeting.

The guys is standing there taking in everything around him. The fluffy clouds, the harp music and the sense of calm that he has never felt before.

As he gazes across the clouds, he sees a lone figure walking toward him. As the figure gets closer he sees that it is a woman, closer still, he realizes that it is his Wife.

His Wife approaches him and asks, where am I and what are you doing here? The man says, this is Heaven. What's the last thing you remember? She tells him she was driving home from the Hospital where the Husband died and all she can remember is the sound of screeching tires and crumpled metal. The man says, that's it, you must have been killed in an auto accident.

As his Wife looks around, she turns to her Husband and asks, well, what's the deal? The deal he asks? Yes, she says how do you get into Heaven?

The guy says, oh, you just have to spell a word. The Wife asks, what's the word?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Czechoslovakia...

[potlatch]

Lol, a good one. Thanks LJ!

[GOYAKLA]

Don’t call him anything because he couldn’t come to you.

[Judith Anne]

Okay, one of my grandsons came up to me during a visit, and asked me, with a cherubic smile, “Grandma, what word starts with F and ends with K?”

I hemhawed around, and finally said, “I give up.”

He beamed, “Firetruck!” and laughed his head off. “Daddy, Grandma fell for it, hahahahahahah!”

He was five, at the time.

When he was 10, the day came that I had been waiting for:

“Sean, honey, what word starts with F and ends with K?”

He had forgotten all about telling me the joke, and could not remember the word. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Granny’s revenge. ;-D

BTW, Insanity IS hereditary. You get it from your kids. ;-D

Don’t just do something, SIT THERE!