[iowamark]

This guy needs a jury of fat people and he'll walk (or waddle.)

[a fool in paradise]

The boy was sitting outside the Shadeland Avenue Pharmacy on Garrett Road when Kelly, a 6-foot 4-inch-tall, 200-pound man with a criminal history of assault,

Why did the school district employ a convict with a history of assault to become a crossing guard in the first place?

That "don't" make sense.

[davius]

This just in: 14 year old boy learns that a 60 year old man arrives at that stage of life after having been a soldier/longshoreman/police officer/martial arts expert/sharpshooter/corrections officer/serial killer/ex-con/construction laborer/professional boxer/hitman or any combination thereof. These experiences are combined with the use or abuse of drugs and alcohol over a period of decades and then filtered with prejudices, relational disappointments, frustrations, and a fear of what the future holds. Lapping over all of this is a wash of irrational anger that the powers he once commanded are slipping through his fingers. Now from behind the young man’s lifted blinders, he can clearly see that he has been in the presence of an infinitely dangerous predator with skills, experience, and motives that are far beyond his comprehension. If he has wisdom, the young man would make amends to the elder and thank him for administering a lesson that may well extend his years on this planet. If not, I wouldn’t give him odds past 16.

[Hacklehead]

Young punk got what he deserved.

[yefragetuwrabrumuy]

The crossing guard made some tactical mistakes.

First of all, no witnesses. Second, ambush attack from behind. Third, cold blooded. Fourth, inflict pain and humiliation, not injury.

In this case, he should have seen him alone, and come up behind him with a stun gun. A nice, 5 second zap and he is face down on the ground. Then use a sharp knife to cut his belt and the back of his pants. Then leave.

This means when he is able to stand up, he will have to hold his pants with one hand to keep them up. A nice touch is to pour some nasty liquid on him, like motor oil.

[TomServo]

“I don’t think I’d want this guy crossing my kids,”

Maybe the kids shouldn't be crossing him...

[phredo53]

"Fat Boy" Tommy (a.k.a "Four Eyes") was a high school classmate of mine. Very smart, likable kid that didn't know how to handle the taunts of Andrew "The Tough". At our 20 year school reunion "Fat Boy", now called "Mr." by his employees told me that Andrew applied for a janitor job at his business unaware of who owned it. Tommy, who is still fat, asked Andrew if he noticed how much weight Tommy had lost (an obvious tease).
"You look great, Tommy", he said.
True to the kind of guy he is, Tommy gave him the job.

[murphE]

"Kelly, a 6-foot 4-inch-tall, 200-pound man with a criminal history of assault"

Um, why are they hiring a guy with a criminal history of assault to be a crossing guard?